Asterios Kills a Kid | Transcript for Episode 8: Satirical ID

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Transcript for Episode 8: Satirical ID

November 9, 2018

[Bye Bye Birdie’s “Kids” plays, starting loud, then fading.]

00:00:12 Asterios: Welcome to Asterios Kills a Kid, the kid’s advice show hosted by broken people. Me, and my co-host Sriracha, we answer real questions from real kids- [Sriracha burps] that’s Sriracha, say hi.

00:00:26 Sriracha: Hi, how are you doing?

00:00:27 Asterios: I’m doin’ okay. And speaking of real questions from real kids, it’s a voicemail episode this week.

00:00:33 Sriracha: Yeet.

00:00:33 Asterios: We have a lot of voicemails lined up, and so- I don’t know, I say let’s get to it. Let’s start helping some kids out. You ready?

00:00:40 Sriracha: Tell ‘em the voicemail line first- they wanna call in.

00:00:42 Asterios: [interjecting] Oh! Thank you! Thank you. If you are a kid with a question, you can call our voicemail line at 347-705-7617. That’s 347-705-7617. I do wanna warn you ‘cause this did happen to a kid: this calls my phone directly- calls my cell phone directly?

00:01:02 Sriracha: Yeah that’s incredibly stupid that you have it set up like that.

00:01:05 Asterios: I- it’s just- it’s kinda funny to me. The other day I did answer the phone ‘cause I thought like, “Ah, maybe this is like a medical bill or something,” and it was a kid who was like, “Uh, I was just calling for advice.” And so we gave that kid advice!

00:01:18 Sriracha: I think we really helped that kid.

00:01:20 Asterios: I think we did too-

00:01:21 Sriracha: [interjecting] Yeah so it’s like playing the lottery, you gotta one-in-five chance that Asterios will answer the phone.

00:01:26 Asterios: I mean I probably won’t because the only phone calls I get are robo-calls these days, but- actually I think this kid starts us off. Let’s hear it:

00:01:34 Caller 1: Hey, so I’m a seventeen year old stoner, and I need snack advice. Uh, since you know I get the munchies a lot. Um, but yeah I need snacks and [unintelligible]. Just give me a list of snacks that c- that’d be the best advice you could ever give. Um… yeaaahh.

00:01:52 Sriracha: Should I cut it off there?

00:01:52 Caller 1: Except crunchy Cheetos. Fuckin’ hate crunchy Cheetos.

00:01:55 Asterios: He’s a seventeen year old stoner, what do you expect, brevity?

00:01:57 Sriracha: What did we say? Thirty seconds?

00:02:00 Asterios: We did say, “Please leave your calls at thirty seconds but look-

00:02:02 Sriracha: [interjecting] Okay so he doesn’t like crunchy Cheetos, and I wasn’t listening to hear whether or not he likes all crunchy- or he dislikes all crunchy snacks or just crunchy Cheetos but I’m gonna say he doesn’t like crunchy sn- what’s your favourite snack to eat while high?

00:02:16 Asterios: Bugles. I can’t eat them while not high.

00:02:19 Sriracha: Why?

00:02:20 Asterios: Because they’re so oily they just make my stomach feel like it- look they just make me feel like barf when I eat them. But the problem is they’re so much fun, you can put them on your fingers as little cones. They’ve got- they’ve got a satisfying crunch. They smell good.

00:02:34 Sriracha: Yeah.

00:02:35 Asterios: When I’m stoned… I’ll like eat anything. I’ll eat like a tire iron when I’m stoned [Sriracha laughs], but how about you?

00:02:41 Sriracha: I’m a big fan of ordered- any type of take-away. I really really like Taco Bell when I’m high. I love McDonald’s. I just really like fast food in general, and I think the fattiness of it is amplified when your stoned. I also- I get- I sympathize with you, seventeen-year-old who didn’t tell us your name, because I also get very very hungry when I’m high. I- I will sit there and I will just look up- I was doing this the other day - I will just look up videos of food. P- like people making sushi. I got real stoned the other night when you were gone, and watched half of an entire series on- ‘cause I was sitting there, I’m thinkin’ to myself, “I really wanna see some ramen noodles,” ‘cause this was like three in the morning-

00:03:29 Asterios: Excellent.

00:03:29 Sriracha: -so I couldn’t order ramen noodles, so I guess the next best thing is going on Netflix and seeing if there’s a noodle making documen- documentary or something? And I ended up watching three episodes of this how called “Midnight Diner,” which was entirely in Japanese, about this dude who runs a diner that’s only open from midnight to 6am. And the crazy characters that come in and eat at the diner.

00:03:58 Asterios: I wanna go to the Midnight Diner.

00:03:59 Sriracha: Yeah me too.

00:04:00 Asterios: That sounds fantastic.

00:04:02 Sriracha: I wanna go into [trails off].

00:04:03 Asterios: Is the Midnight Diner like- who’s the craziest character that came in? Was there like an “Elvis impersonator” or “a prospector digging for gold?”

00:04:11 Sriracha: No, it’s not crazy like that, it’s crazy like people come and sit down and then they have the most bizarre connections to one another. Like the first epis- for example, the fir- I’ve gotta stop saying “like.” [clearly enunciating] For example the first episode was about a gentleman who was a radio announcer? And he happens to be- he just get off his shift, and he’s eating- and a woman taxi-driver comes in? And they share a meal and they start talking, and the radio announcer realizes that this woman is the- was an actor, and was the actor for his favourite childhood show. And he outs her on the radio and she gets real mad at him and says stuff like, “That’s a part of my life that I never wanna go back to,” and stuff. I don’t remember I was very baked, but it seems like a good show.

00:05:00 Asterios: Pretty heavy shit is happening at the midnight diner.

00:05:03 Sriracha: Yeah, I like Taco Bell just in general, but my favourite thing to eat when high on drugs from Taco Bell, is they make these fantastic- I don’t know if they make the Pop Rocks version any more-

00:05:15 Asterios: [interjecting] Oh-

00:05:15 Sriracha: -but you know those slushies?

00:05:17 Asterios: Yeah.

00:05:18 Sriracha: They do some awesome slushies there, and you can get ‘em for two dollars during happy hour which is two-to-four, so if you feel like you’re getting stoned before two to four, go in and get the watermelon or the Skittles flavoured slushie. They’re very good. They’re very sweet.

00:05:35 Asterios: I don’t think they still make the Pop Rocks variant, because I remember going with you one time and asking if they had the Pop Rocks thing, and the kid was very very confused, and he asked someone and then they asked someone, and eventually they were like, “No more Pop Rocks.”

00:05:48 Sriracha: But they have the disgusting watermelon one that literally has watermelon seeds in it.

00:05:52 Asterios: I’m sorry, what?

00:05:53 Sriracha: Yeah, uh huh. ‘Cause I ordered one the other day, and the guy at the counter says to me, “Do you want the seeds with it?” and I said, “I’m sorry, what?” And the guy says, “Yeah, they come with- they’re supposed to come with seeds,” and I say, “yeah, give me the seeds.” And it’s just a bag of watermelon seeds that they expect me to consume.

00:06:12 Asterios: Watermelon seeds are technically edible. I mean, you don’t eat around the seeds when you eat a big slice of watermelon.

00:06:17 Sriracha: You’re not supposed to be eating them though. You’re supposed to spit them out. Like cherry pits.

00:06:22 Asterios: Really?

00:06:23 Sriracha: Yes. Look this up.

00:06:24 Asterios: Okay, hold on I’ll look it up now. Alright, “should… I eat watermelon… seeds…” [gasps] wait a minute, “Like chia seeds, and flax seeds, watermelon seeds contain nutrients such as vitamin B, potassium magnesium and zinc, which studies have linked with various health benefits! They’re also a good source of health fats and protein. After that you can eat them as a healthy snack, although they will immediately turn your blood to poison and kill you!” Now I’m confused.

00:06:54 Sriracha: Man I was so with you for a while there because I’ve definitely heard that they are poison?

00:07:00 Asterios: Okay, well hold on. Let me just look up, “Are watermelon seeds poison?”

00:07:04 Sriracha: They’re poison in the same way that poppy seeds are poison, in that you’re fine if you eat a little bit of it, but if you eat an entire truck of watermelon seeds you’ll die.

00:07:16 Asterios: Right, exactly, like how if you were to eat an entire field of almonds you would die of arsenic poisoning?”

00:07:21 Sriracha: Right.

00:07:22 Asterios: But you’d probably die way before that of not being able to breath because you have too many almonds in your mouth mouth?

00:07:27 Sriracha: [interjecting] Right and if you put a tuna up your butt you would die of… mercury? But eating a tuna sandwich is okay.

00:07:35 Asterios: I’m sorry, are you butt-chugging tuna salad when I’m not around?

00:07:39 Sriracha: No y- I think you’re confused I said, “a tuna.” Not, “tuna salad.” You take the fish, and you put it up there and it goes- [laughs]

00:07:46 Asterios: So a live tuna.

00:07:47 Sriracha: Yeah.

00:07:47 Asterios: Okay, you know what, we’re not helping this kid at all-

00:07:51 Sriracha: [interjecting] Put a live tuna-

00:07:51 Asterios: -he knows to go to Taco Bell.

00:07:52 Sriracha: -into your anus.

00:07:54 Asterios: Here’s what- what did you tell him to do?

00:07:56 Sriracha: Put a live tuna into your anus.

00:07:57 Asterios: Do not do that, 17-year-old kid who is trusting us with his life. Here’s what I would suggest you do, um, because you know what- you know you like Twix bars. You know you like candy bars- by the way, I think my favourite Hershey bar is Cookie & Cream.

00:08:13 Sriracha: Me too.

00:08:13 Asterios: I really like the Cookie & Cream. It’s been on the market for twenty years, I feel like it’s a real sleeper of a candy bar. I love it.

00:08:19 Sriracha: Remember for Valentine’s Day last year I tried to make cookies and cream covered strawberries, but I guess the concept of “burning chocolate” totally evaded me- [laughs]

00:08:30 Asterios: Yeah.

00:08:30 Sriracha: -and I ended up with a clay-type material?

00:08:34 Asterios: Yeah, it was great! I just ripped that goo off of the foil and shoved big chunks of it in my mouth. [Sriracha interjects but is drowned out by Asterios] Remember how much fun we had? It was great!

00:08:42 Sriracha: [unenthusiastically] Yeahh.

00:08:43 Asterios: But let me give you some alternative advice 17-year-old kid so you don’t end up like… a big fat fatty. Go to the grocery store and find like the lowest calorie possible, um, rice-cake-thing you can find. Now they’re making these weird puffed rice abominations at these health food stores-

00:09:02 Sriracha: [interjecting] Rice cakes, nobody wants to eat rice cakes when they’re baked.

00:09:07 Asterios: Well look! I- look, I’m just puttin’ this out there, he doesn’t have to take- look, yeah, [stupid voice] “Go eat a Twix bar! Go have- if you have the munchos get some Funyuns!” Like, everyone knows that advice.

00:09:16 Sriracha: Once again, saying things in a stupid voice does not make them not legitimate.

00:09:21 Asterios: They are c- those are all completely legitimate snacks.

00:09:23 Sriracha: Here’s a better idea kid-

00:09:25 Asterios: [interjecting] You never- you didn’t let me finish!

00:09:27 Sriracha: Okay, finish your dumb stupid rice cake idea-

00:09:29 Asterios: [interjecting] Thank you! But look: there are now things that are crazier than just rice cakes. ‘Cause those rice cakes have 45 calories each. Remember that one time I brought home those like… thick, puffed, corn abominations called like “Magic Rice?”

00:09:47 Sriracha: No. What?

00:09:47 Asterios: Yeah! A whole bag of them has like 250 calories. When you’re stoned, a lot of times you’re just mindlessly eating because you’re not actually hungry. The munchies are actually because you’re dehydrated, and the reason you’re dehydrated is that you just inhaled a bunch of fuckin’ smoke. So kid, if you don’t want to grow up to be a big fat fatty, go to the health food store, find the thing that has the lowest calories but gives you the most, and then you just sit there eating it until you can’t eat any more.

00:10:15 Sriracha: Celery! You could do celery [Asterios gasps], you could put peanut butter on celery. I was gonna say: get some Americanized sushi-

00:10:22 Asterios: Yeah!

00:10:22 Sriracha: Because that is- I feel like when I’m h- I did it again. When I’m high, I very much like fatty food?

00:10:31 Asterios: Mhmm.

00:10:32 Sriracha: And I think that a California roll just obliterated with mayonnaise [laughs]-

00:10:38 Asterios: Yes!

00:10:38 Sriracha: -that sriracha mayonnaise sauce that they do with it would just be the best. I love spicy tuna rolls with it now. So I would recommend that you go for a weird type of American sushi roll, like get a Philadelphia roll-

00:10:52 Asterios: [interjecting] Yeaaaah!

00:10:52 Sriracha: -which I think has cream cheese in it for- ‘cause God knows why.

00:10:55 Asterios: Yeaah.

00:10:55 Sriracha: And just obliterate it with sriracha mayo. [laughs]

00:10:59 Asterios: And speaking of sriracha, Sriracha, remember the other day when I got a big bag of carrot sticks and we would just cover them with Sriracha and eat them?

00:11:07 Sriracha: Yeah that was a great and healthy snack.

00:11:09 Asterios: We have to do that again! It’s the- if we were stoned- if every time we got stoned we just ate carrot sticks with Sriracha on them, we’d be the healthiest stoners in Brooklyn.

00:11:21 Sriracha: How much do you think it would hurt if I poured sriracha up my butt?

00:11:25 Asterios: You’ve been asking a lot of these questions lately and I’m not being ironic. Sriracha h- you’ve really- earlier today, you were like, “What’d happen if I put berries up my butt? Or what would happen if I put berries up your butt, Asterios?” You suggested I do it.

00:11:36 Sriracha: [interjecting] I never said I wanted to put them in my butt, I said I wanted to put them into your butt.

00:11:41 Asterios: Oh- agreed!

00:11:42 Sriracha: Get that right. [laughs]

00:11:43 Asterios: But, on the train, did you not again talk about how you wanted to put sparkling water in your butt?

00:11:49 Sriracha: Yeah but I have a new plan for the sparkling water.

00:11:51 Asterios: I’m listening!

00:11:52 Sriracha: I’m gonna get one of those big, one litre bottles, and I’m going to wrap just the tip, into my butt. And then I’m going to- it’s open already obviously.

00:12:02 Asterios: [interjecting] Okay, no cap.

00:12:03 Sriracha: Yeah. And then I’m going to get on my hands and knees, and go into a frog yoga position. And that will cause the bubbles to get bubbly. And I won’t have to use any work getting it up there [laughs]. I feel like someone somewhere has already done this.

00:12:20 Asterios: Didn’t you google this once and find a woman who put a water- regular water bottle in her anus?

00:12:25 Sriracha: Yeah, I did.

00:12:26 Asterios: [interjecting] But it wasn’t sparkling water.

00:12:28 Sriracha: It was not sparkling water so it doesn’t count.

00:12:30 Asterios: Sriracha has this thing- and we should really move on to the next voicemail.

00:12:34 Sriracha: Yeah let’s go to the next-

00:12:34 Asterios: [cuts her off] But Sriracha has been saying she wants sparkling water put inside her rectum…

00:12:40 Sriracha: [laughs] Don’t you think it would feel good?

00:12:42 Asterios: ‘Cause she- and she says because it would feel good to have, quote: “bubble friends up there.”

00:12:46 Sriracha: [interjecting] That’s weird that you cut it out when I’m too sad, but you’ll cut- you won’t cut this out.

00:12:51 Asterios: I’ll cut this out!

00:12:52 Sriracha: Me putting- no, leave the bubble friends out there.

00:12:55 Asterios: Okay leave it out? Or cut it?

00:12:57 Sriracha: Yeah, no I want it in. I want it in ‘cause I want somebody to try it and report back how your bubble friends treat you.

00:13:02 Asterios: [interjecting] Okay. Anyone who’s twenty one years or older, who wants to try this, we will send you a waiver that indemnifies us of legal responsibility-

00:13:12 Sriracha: And we’ll also send you a hundred dollars.

00:13:14 Asterios: I won’t- I’m not paying a hundred dollars for this.

00:13:16 Sriracha: Fifty dollars.

00:13:17 Asterios: I’ll send them a T-shirt and a book.

00:13:18 Sriracha: A free t-shirt signed by both of us…

00:13:22 Asterios: Okay.

00:13:23 Sriracha: Fifty dollars from Srirancho, and a porg.

00:13:27 Asterios: Okay!

00:13:27 Sriracha: Not one of our personal porgs but I’ll buy you a porg, and I’ll put a big red bow on him and send him- and his name will be “Sparkling Water.”

00:13:37 Asterios: Sparkles!

00:13:38 Sriracha: [cooing] Sparkles!

00:13:38 Asterios: Sparkles: the porg that you bought with your butt!

00:13:41 Sriracha: So please someone- first come first serve. I’m only buying one butt porg. [laughs]

00:13:46 Asterios: Alright well let’s see if we can help another kid. Zero down many to go! So far we’ve helped nobody.

00:13:55 Caller 2: Hey Sriracha and Asterios! Like, socialising has turned into a chore-

00:14:02 Asterios: Yup.

00:14:02 Sriracha: Yeah welcome to-

00:14:03 Caller 2: -and like I don’t know what to do. But I found my local uh, Dick Show chapter but I can’t go on the amazing bar crawls with Lettuce Jones and them-

00:14:14 Asterios: A criminal.

00:14:13 Caller 2: -because I’m not 21.

00:14:17 Asterios & Sriracha: Oooohhh.

00:14:17 Caller 2: What’s your guys’s suggestions? They said I should get a fake ID. So like, how do I get away with it? Also how do I not get liquor poisoning when drinking with professionals?

00:14:30 Asterios: How do I not get l…

00:14:32 Sriracha: Yeah you- you say that socialising is a chore. Yeah welcome to life beyond age six. It’s not fun anymore.

00:14:38 Asterios: [interjecting] Yes! Oh my god. For a long time I used this productivity app where like I would get rewards for engaging in good healthy behaviours, and one of the things I got rewards for was successfully completing a social engagement.

00:14:57 Sriracha: What app was that?

00:14:58 Asterios: Uh, it was called Habitica.

00:15:00 Sriracha: You don’t use it anymore?

00:15:01 Asterios: I- sometimes it’s just a- I- I’ve kind of fallen off the wagon. I really like Habitica, I’ve fallen off the wagon a little bit. But um, you know, I made plans with someone, I put it in my calendar, they put it in their calendar… that’s not even the beginning of the hassle. Then- because the day of, one of- one of you is going to text the other one, “I can’t make it.”

00:15:22 Sriracha: And then the other one will be equally, incredibly excited.

00:15:26 Asterios: Exactly.

00:15:27 Sriracha: Because they had no intention of going. [laughs]

00:15:29 Asterios: Right it’s- it’s like a- socialising as an adult is a weird game of Russian Roulette where it’s like, ”I really hope they back out before I back out.”

00:15:37 Sriracha: Right it’s just waiting to see who’s gonna back out of your plans first. I would like to know Caller- did Caller tell us his name?

00:15:44 Asterios: No.

00:15:44 Sriracha: I don’t think he did. Caller, where are you located? Because a lot of the time I don’t think many- unless you are really livin’ in a one-horse town I would be very surprised if every bar in your area cards. Because a lot of them do not, and alls you need to do is just stay away from the bar area. You hit up Lettuce Jones, you say, “Hey, Lettuce Jones I’ll Venmo you, can you just go buy me a beer?” and then you just take a seat at a table and wait for all the guys to come back, and then if they- if anybody confronts you, just say, “Oh damn, left my ID in my other pants,” and they’re probably gonna kick you out, but you can get a fake ID pretty… not easily but I know where to get them. Am I allowed to tell them where to get…

00:16:31 Asterios: Sure!

00:16:32 Sriracha: There’s a website called, I swear to god I am not making that up. Let’s see if they’re still in operation.

00:16:39 Asterios: All right I’ll look u- I’ll look ‘em up. You keep talking.

00:16:40 Sriracha: [interjecting] makes very very convincing fake IDs, and they also scan. So you can get into the strictest- the strictest of venues will scan your ID, and you want them to scan it because if they’re not scanning it there’s a chance you’re gonna get a hardened bartender who knows a fake ID just by the feel of it-

00:17:07 Asterios: [interjecting] Right.

00:17:07 Sriracha: -or something. You want the the ne- the novice uh bouncer that doesn’t give a shit at the door to scan. And fun fact is they- when they mail them to you at Really Good Fakes, they mail them to you in- sewn into a teddy bear that you have to cut open to receive the ID and then when it scans- ‘cause I’ve tried scanni- I didn’t have one but I knew somebody that did have one from this website [laughs]. Tried scanning it and it’ll scan, and when you- they scan your ID they just see that it scans-

00:17:41 Asterios: [interjecting] Right. Yes.

00:17:41 Sriracha: -they don’t see what it comes up as. So we got one of those barcode readers- apps on somebody’s phone and scanned it, and it scans as a rice cooker, and the barcode is a rice cooker from Amazon. [laughs]

00:17:55 Asterios: That’s- honey this is the fastest we’ve ever answered a question and I love it. I’m at- I’m at the website it redirects to something called “Fake your drank” D R A N K, for example a Washington ID: eighty dollars for one- for one person-

00:18:17 Sriracha: Oh, their price have went down since.

00:18:19 Asterios: It- it has advanced scanner pass, microprint, UV, and OVI ho- holography. They’re showing it to me under a blacklight, there’s holograms on it, it’s got a barcode on the back, they take Bitcoin, they take Litecoin. 

00:18:33 Sriracha: [interjecting] Of course they do. Of course they do. So here’s my recommendation to you Caller. First of all we’re gonna R-tard proof this for ya: don’t use your real name, don’t use your real address. They’re gonna ask you to fill out a form: don’t use your real name, nothing real associated with you. Go on Zillow and look up an apartment building and write that down as your address. Make up a fake name, go to a place where they sell passport photos, you can get it done for $5. It takes 20 minutes. Get a passport photo, and send that in as- you can get it done at CVS.

00:19:11 Asterios: Yeah or Walgreens. Yes exactly.

00:19:13 Sriracha: Send that in as your photo, bada-bing, bada-boom, you got a rice cooker ID. [laughs]

00:19:18 Asterios: It looks like they’ve got Washington, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Oregon, I think- wow, alright.

00:19:27 Sriracha: No shit she’s really expanded her business when I knew her she was only doing uh, Connecticut and Washington.

00:19:33 Asterios: Yeah. Go get yourself a fake ID, and ju- and go to these bars and don’t- actually wait, do-

00:19:42 Sriracha: [interjecting] And then the next question was how not to die of liquor poisoning.

00:19:46 Asterios: Okay well hold on wait a minute, we need to actually- we need to cover our asses here: this is all satirical, don’t do any of this.

00:19:51 Sriracha: Right, these IDs are not meant to be used. They are novelty IDs- 

00:19:55 Asterios: [interjecting] Yeah it’s like a fun- 

00:19:55 Sriracha: I think that’s what the website says.

00:19:57 Asterios: You know it’s like when you get an ID that says “McLovin” on it like at a novelty store.

00:20:01 Sriracha: Yeah it’s fun.

00:20:03 Asterios: Yeah so don’t do thi-

00:20:05 Sriracha: [interjecting] This would never work, don’t actually do it.

00:20:08 Asterios: Don’t underage drink.

00:20:09 Sriracha: Don’t underage drink, it’s not good.

00:20:11 Asterios: It’s not good. Well I say we move on, I loved that we- I loved that we killed it. Oh and then- like, don’t drink like an asshole.

00:20:17 Sriracha: Put the alcohol into your anus.

00:20:19 Asterios: Don’t- that’s also satirical! Just stick to Bud Light. Have a Bud Light or two. Bud Light’s very low alcohol content, it’s cheap. Remember: you’re not there to get drunk, you could get drunk in your parents’ basement. You’re there to socialise, and talk and party.

00:20:34 Sriracha: [interjecting]  Yeah. Drink Smirnoff Light Dessert Flavors. They’re gonna to call you the p-word for ordering it, but I love those. Smirnoff makes this fantastic line of dessert flavoured low-calorie vodkas that are in my opinion incredibly good. I can drink them straight, they only have 70 calories a shot, and you get fun drunk off of them. I’ve- I have not drank this in quite a long time but I remember getting fun drunk off of those which is- you can remember everything that happens, but you’re kinda stumbling around, like you can’t co- you can’t control your motor movements as well as you might like, and you might talk a little bit too much but you don’t black out drinking Smirnoff Dessert Light.

00:21:24 Asterios: Well how many Smirnoff Dessert Lights are you drinking?

00:21:28 Sriracha: That was the first time I ever got drunk, was off those th- wait, Smirnoff? Yeah, Smirnoff.

00:21:34 Asterios: Yeah.

00:21:34 Sriracha: Um, I would say have two or three.

00:21:38 Asterios: Yeah that’s it. Again: there’s no re- this- it’s not a contest. It’s not like, “Oh the more you drink the more manly you are! The more you drink the more fun you’ll have,” if anything often the more you drink the less fun you’ll have. You want to stay like in that one drink an hour zone, na- here’s the thing: you’re going to be nervous, because other people are gonna be drinking. Drink- get a Bud Light, drink it slow, get a water, sip on that too.

00:22:02 Sriracha: Yeah.

00:22:03 Asterios: And my favourite of the Smirnoff Dessert vodkas is peppermint. It- they sell it around Christmas. It’s like- it’s vodka that tastes like a candy cane.

00:22:11 Sriracha: It is really really good.

00:22:12 Asterios: Alright let’s get to the next uh voicemail!

00:22:14 Caller 3: [robot voice] Hello this call is officially a final notice from the internal revenue service.

00:22:19 Asterios: Oh no.

00:22:20 Sriracha: Let’s hear ‘em out.

00:22:20 Caller 3: The reason of this call is to inform you that the IRS is filing a lawsuit against you.

00:22:24 Asterios: Oh god, another lawsuit!

00:22:25 Caller 3: To get more information about this case please call immediately on our department number

00:22:29 Asterios: [muttering] Wait, hold on, who do I call, where do I call?

00:22:30 Caller 3: 913-

00:22:31 Sriracha: I love these scams. Wait- wait wait.

00:22:34 Asterios: 913- It’s not a scam! 913- 

00:22:32 Caller 3: 242-5575. I repeat. 913-242-

00:22:37 Asterios: 913- 242…

00:22:38 Sriracha: We should call ‘em back right now. Live on air.

00:22:39 Asterios: I will.

00:22:41 Caller 3: 5575. Thank you.

00:22:43 Asterios: 5575. Alright I’m gonna-

00:22:44 Sriracha: [interjecting] Is there a way we can call this kid through the computer so we can both talk to him.

00:22:47 Asterios: Yeah I mean I’m gonna call- I’m gonna call them right now I mean this kid clearly needs our help. Alright hold on, you ready?

00:22:52 Sriracha: Yes.

00:22:53 Asterios: All right. [dial tone] Awww! 

00:22:54 Sriracha: Ah.

00:22:55 Asterios: So I guess I’m just going to jail.

00:22:57 Sriracha: I guess so. Man, if there were only a partnership that the IRS had maybe with the Apple corporation? Like wouldn’t it be great if you could settle the lien on your account by buying iTunes gift cards.

00:23:11 Asterios: That would be fanta- ‘cause that’s convenient, I know where to get those: down at the Walgreens!

00:23:15 Sriracha: Right it takes forever to wire money, and you gotta pay Western Union fees, but you can just go down to CVS and you can buy iTunes gift cards, and you could not tell the cashier what they’re for.

00:23:28 Asterios: Right.

00:23:29 Sriracha: They’re for- say they’re for personal use because I think you’re legally not allowed to tell them what it’s for? And then the matter could be resolved in a matter of minutes. You get your tax lien taken off of you, the Apple corporation gets to put more money back into the economy everybody wins. Man if only we could settle our IRS debt with Apple gift cards.

00:23:52 Asterios: Look, as soon as this recording is done- and look every fibre of my being is telling me to run down to Walgreens right now, buy a bunch of Apple gift cards, scratch ‘em off, and email these p- this- whoever this is the codes. I’m gonna- for the sake of the listeners I will not do that. I will do that after the recording.

00:24:06 Sriracha: Okay that’s really generous of you, ‘cause you realise the IRS could bust your door down at any moment.

00:24:10 Asterios: I’m expe- I’m fully expecting them to, but hopefully they’re fans. All right ,let’s listen to the next one:

00:24:14 Caller 4: Hi, this is uh, CRINGE the edgelord from uh, Asterios Kills a Kid-

00:24:18 Sriracha: Hi CRINGE the edgelord. 

00:24:20 Caller 4: -and uh, I’m just here to say: Asterios man, um, you mentioned that you talked to some- some guy that claims to be him on uh, Discord.

00:24:31 Asterios: Wait what?

00:24:31 Caller 4: Well that is a phoney-assed impostor and you know that is- I’m sure you’ve probably seen some slanderous-ass things alright? I’m gonna go now and uh, I believe David Clegg is outside of my house so, see you around.

00:24:43 Asterios: Ho- OH NO! That’s the la- so- okay so CRINGE the edgelord calls us to tell us that there is an- there’s a *impostor* CRINGE the edgelord, in the Discord. But what if *this* the imposter CRINGE the edgelord, which one do I shoot- oh I mean, give advice to?

00:24:59 Sriracha: You gotta ask each one of them. [laughs]

00:25:02 Asterios: Alright let’s- oh wait I’m sorry you had something sorry.

00:25:06 Sriracha: Yeah can we plan- if there’s ever a mishap like that, can we plan what we’re gonna say to figure out what the real Sriracha or Asterios would say?

00:25:16 Asterios: Okay.

00:25:16 Sriracha: Like if we’re ever in an evil twin “shoot her not me” situation, what can I say that is something that only the real Asterios would know, and tell me the answer.

00:25:26 Asterios: That- say, “My name is Sriracha and I have crippling depression.”

00:25:29 Sriracha: No, no no, I’m asking you-

00:25:31 Asterios: [interjecting] Oh, what would I say?

00:25:32 Sriracha: -like if I have the gun. Yeah. No I have the gun there’s two Asterios’. What can I say to help me differentiate which one is the real you?

00:25:38 Asterios: Okay, um, “My name is Asterios, and I have cripp-” no, hold on what- what could I say…

00:25:44 Sriracha: Asterios, I don’t think you understand this- what the role-playing scenario is. Okay.

00:25:48 Asterios: I understand, you’re saying, “what’s something that only we would know?”

00:25:51 Sriracha: Right.

00:25:52 Asterios: Okay I guess I would say, “We have 14 porgs, their names are: Wallard, Smallard, Tallard, Jeremy, Chonk, Asterios Porkinos, Dr. Pepper, Lieutenant Dan-

00:26:05 Sriracha: Your twin absolutely knows all the names of our porgs.

00:26:07 Asterios: Wait who?

00:26:08 Sriracha: Your twin- uh your evil twin absolutely knows all the names of the porgs.

00:26:11 Asterios: How the hell are they gonna know that? We haven’t talked about Flappy at all, on any of our podcasts!

00:26:16 Sriracha: Yeah we need to review Flappy, um-

00:26:18 Asterios: [interjecting] I love Flappy. Flappy hangs out with me at my desk.

00:26:21 Sriracha: Mine would be an easy one, because the real Sriracha would never turn down an opportunity to be killed. [laughs]

00:26:28 Asterios: Woooww.

00:26:28 Sriracha: So just shoot the one that’s telling you not to shoot her.

00:26:32 Asterios: All right CRINGE the edgelord hope we helped you [Sriracha laughs]. Alright this next one is uh, David from Wisconsin.

00:26:39 Sriracha: Uh-oh.

00:26:40 Caller 5: Hi this is David from Wisconsin. I’m 17 and I’m going in my senior year of high school, and Asterios I was just wondering: how do I pick a college?

00:26:50 Asterios: Oh, Google, “number one party college 2018.”

00:26:54 Sriracha: Google “cheapest college of 2018.”

00:26:58 Asterios: Google “cheapest party college” “cheapest party college state-run school scholarships” “drinking scholarships”

00:27:05 Sriracha: Google “scholarships-” oh man have I ever told you the most hilarious story I learned from college? Um, I had a pal in college who- she went to high school with a gentleman who filmed a music video- a music video while he was still in high school. He had a party and he made the party the scene of the music video ‘cause he was a rapper-

00:27:28 Asterios: Classic.

00:27:28 Sriracha: -and it was called- oh my god what was it called? I need- hang on give me thirty seconds, I need to remember the name of this because I’m gonna say the real name this is great.

00:27:37 Asterios: Okay. You take- you take thirty seconds, I’m gonna go get myself a whiskey and Diet Coke. Do you need one?

00:27:43 Sriracha: No thank you.

00:27:43 Asterios: Okay.

00:27:44 Sriracha: Um, I’m sorry I’m gonna- kids I’m probably gonna cut this out, but I got- I gotta see this ’cause I want you all to see this music video ‘cause it was amazing. Oh I found it Asterios! [Asterios responds off mic] Can we watch this music video live on air?

00:27:57 Asterios: Yes, hold on. Yeah, yeah. you want to come around?

00:28:00 Sriracha: No I- ‘cause I’ve seen this so many times I actually have it memorised.

00:28:03 Asterios: Okay.

00:28:05 Sriracha: Okay, welcome back-

00:28:07 Asterios: Did you remember the name of the video?

00:28:08 Sriracha: Yes it was by a gentleman rapper named Shoa-Tyme, and it’s called “All Night.” Now let- there’s a little bit of lore surrounding this video that I have to tell you about first of all. So this gentleman Shoa-Tyme goes to the high school of one of the girls I went to college with, and their big scandal in the school- I feel like everybody’s high school had li- one big scandal that everybody remembers no matter what grade they were in, and how even tangentially related to the incident they were. In my high school it was the band teacher having sex with the student. But this high school’s- this gentleman Shoa-Tyme makes this music video and has a party, he has a big party at his house-

00:28:53 Asterios: Okay.

00:28:53 Sriracha: -that features marijuana use, underage drinking, just the works.

00:28:58 Asterios: [interjecting] Awesome. This party sounds great!

00:28:59 Sriracha: And he films it. Right. He films it, and the cops come, and the cops bust the house, and some of the kids get arrested, but a lot of the kids don’t because they fled and escaped. So *then* Shoa-Tyme puts out this music video, and a- tons of kids lost their scholarships to college because they were featured in this? And Shoa-Tyme got a scholarship - I am not making this up - to a music college, because they like this music video and his production skills so much.

00:29:34 Asterios: All ri-

00:29:35 Sriracha: So now we’re gonna treat you to Shoa-Tyme ”All Night.” Now Asterios, I’d like to narrate what you- narrate what you’re seeing because there’s some pretty questionable lyrics in this.

00:29:44 Asterios: Okay. Shoa-Tyme’s “All Night” directed by Sik Vik-

00:29:50 Sriracha: Ah, Sik Vik.

00:29:50 Asterios: You follow him @shoatyme, that’s S H O A [Sriracha laughs]- by the way I don’t know if this kid knows what a Shoah is?

00:30:01 Sriracha: I- he absolutely does not.

00:30:04 Asterios: Okay because the Shoah in Hebrew means the Holocaust.

00:30:10 Sriracha: Yes.

00:30:11 Asterios: You know that?

00:30:12 Sriracha: I- yes I did know that- I don’t think that’s what he’s referring to, I think he just means like, “I’m a shower.”

00:30:17 Asterios: I assume he doesn’t mean that either.

00:30:19 Sriracha: ”I’m pea-cocking,” not, “I’m really sympathetic to the plight of the Jewish people.” [laughs]

00:30:24 Asterios: I’m just saying the 1985 film “Shoah” from director Claude Lanzmann who- he made eleven years on this Holocaust documentary. Anyway, let’s go back- let’s not talk about the Peabody-Award-winning documentary “Shoah,” let’s talk about the scholarship-losing video Shoa-Tyme.

00:30:45 Sriracha: A bunch of people got kicked out of college for this.

00:30:48 Asterios: Alright I’m watchin’ it. [music starts playing]

00:30:52 Shoa-Tyme: Nigga’ roll one.

Transcriber’s note: I’m not going to transcribe this entire song.

00:30:54 Asterios: Okay. He says the n-word and then he wants us to roll one.

00:30:56 Sriracha: [interjecting] He is an African American.

00:30:58 Asterios: I- I’m just saying, look he’s- look- okay two girls full-on kissing. And then one of the girls blows marijuana smoke right into the camera lens!

00:31:05 Sriracha: [singing] “That loud one, roll ooone! We got miles of that good shit so pour one. They on my left and real [skips the n-word] they on my right.” [laughs]

00:31:13 Asterios: [interjecting] Oh my god there’s a girl wearing crucifix earrings and someone’s pouring vodka into [unintelligible] of her mouth.

00:31:17 Sriracha: [singing] “-lose our breath, ball out all night.” [laughs] Listen to that- [singing] “loud pack so [skips the n-word] roll oone. We got bottles of that good shit so pour one. She stay on my left, real [skips the n-word] they on my right. We smoke ‘till we lose our breath, we goan chill and ball out all night.”

00:31:36 Asterios: There’s so many girls kissing in slow motion in this video [Sriracha laughs], they-

00:31:41 Sriracha: Isn’t it weirdly good produced- production though?

00:31:44 Asterios: [interjecting] Yes! It’s got- it has vignetting, it’s- it has really great exposure.

00:31:49 Sriracha: ”Eighteen I’m grown as fuck.” [laughs]

00:31:52 Asterios: It’s perfectly white balanced to this talent. All- they made all the female talent look pretty good because these are clearly girls that just are at a party, but they’re made up- they made them look- I mean I gotta say, this production value is fantastic, I’m not even kidding.

00:32:08 Sriracha: ”We ‘bout it, we wid it, and we win it.“ [laughs]

00:32:10 Asterios: And, the other thing I have to say is: I feel like it’s pretty inclusive because not every girl featured in this video is like a 90-pound model it’s like girls with real-

00:32:19 Sriracha: Oh yeah, nothin’- nothin’ more inclusive than the lyrics, “My bitch Asian like tofu.”

00:32:25 Asterios: Oh nooo. Wait what?

00:32:27 Sriracha: Oh wait we’re not at that part yet.

00:32:28 Asterios: I haven’t been listening to the lyrics at all! This has thirty thousand views and is responsible for hundreds of dead careers: Shoa-Tyme’s ”All Night.” Wow. So many- so many girls smoking pot directly into the camera. Bottles of Ciroc are everywhere- oh!

00:32:50 Sriracha: Where did these kids get Ciroc?

00:32:52 Asterios: A bunch of- a bunch of girls are shotgunning weed- smoking from each other’s mouths. Alright I got-

00:32:57 Sriracha: Wait no! It’s coming up let’s-

00:32:59 Asterios: Okay.

00:32:59 Sriracha: ”My bitch Asian like tofu.” [laughs]

00:33:01 Asterios: I don’t- no- [music stops] that’s- I paused it. I gotta stop it. That’s not what he said. He said “my… b-word is Asian like Thai food.”

00:33:12 Sriracha: No he said tofu.

00:33:13 Asterios: Okay wait a minute. I’m looking up the lyrics to Shoa-Tyme’s ”All Night.”

00:33:18 Sriracha: I’m the one that’s listened to this upwards of a hundred times.

00:33:21 Asterios: I think it’s “like Thai food,” alright hold on, “shoa-tyme all night lyrics.”

00:33:24 Sriracha: [interjecting] I’m obsessed with this video. Please just go watch it, it’s really good.

00:33:29 Asterios: Okay, I’m lookin’ up the lyrics on his Soundcloud. [shouting] Shoa-Tyme! All Night! Kay, all right. All right there are no lyrics here, but according to the metadata for this, it’s the first single off mixtape, it’s a “club banger” and hashta- the- the tags, the metadata tags include “roll,” “one,” “pour,” “roll one,” “all night,” “pour one,” “shoa,” “tyme,” “shoa tyme”

00:33:54 Sriracha: Roll oooone! We got o’s of that good shit so- word I can’t say- pour ooone! [laughs]

00:34:02 Asterios: And user roll underscore it underscore up says it’s fire.

00:34:08 Sriracha: Oh and the comments- the comments on the YouTube video are really good. It’s all- it’s all about the kids that got kicked out of college. [laughs]

00:34:16 Asterios: Okay, here we go, we have a kid writing-

00:34:20 Sriracha: The town is Hazleton.

00:34:21 Asterios: Yes it’s se- it does- I didn’t want to say that but-

00:34:24 Sriracha: [interjecting] Ah they’re gonna- ah, we- we said the guy’s real name.

00:34:27 Asterios: Okay that is true. Ah, Jonathan Matza writes, “Aside from the fact that the rap song is completely ridiculous, having drugs and alcohol are two bad elements… to have already-” I’m sorry I said it wrong. “Having drugs and alcohol are two bad elements to have already, let alone with underaged minors.“ let’s see…

00:34:47 Sriracha: Little redundant but okay.

00:34:48 Asterios: Yeah I know, keep- *but* dirtymoneygucci responds, “keep hatin yal just showin SHoaa some confidence to keep goin .. Hater be his motivaters .fuck yall…” and then a word I can’t say.

00:35:00 Sriracha: ”Hazelton wasn’t bad before shit generated into what it is now. But that’s true. It isn’t all hazelton its the douche bags that go around shooting and robbing people. id hate to be a hazleton cop.” [laughs] Someone just commented, “BANG”

00:35:15 Asterios: Oh my goodness, “Keep doin’ this- keep doin’ yo thing shoa!” says Diana Lissette, ”Killed the shit outta this [Sriracha laughs] and we need to get on-”

00:35:22 Sriracha: [interjecting] “You can’t structure a sentence let alone an argument.”

00:35:26 Asterios: Uhh, ah Kelly Elizabeth Brigid Monahan though writes that, “I’m a musician myself. I have many friends in the music business. There are definitely better ways to get to the top,” than a filming a bangin’ party full of club bangers, fire track, and rollin’ one!

00:35:46 Sriracha: Philly boy is really down for Shoa-Tyme, he says, ”he’s from Hazleton PA. It’s aaaaaall gangster down there!”

00:35:55 Asterios: ”H-Town represent, west side yo!” says TheLethalHobo [Sriracha laughs]. Okay well, I forget what this question was…

00:36:03 Sriracha: I don’t remember. Pour ooone!

00:36:06 Asterios: [interjecting] But- but the important thing is you gotta pour one, you gotta sh-

00:36:08 Sriracha: [interjecting] We got o’s in our loud-pack [ ? ] so roolll one!

00:36:12 Asterios: I roll one and try to date a woman who’s as Asian as…

00:36:15 Sriracha: What I believe is tofu but Asterios says is Thai food.

00:36:18 Asterios: You know what, I- you know, I shouldn’t be fronting on your scene. If you say it’s tofu I believe you that it’s tofu.

00:36:24 Sriracha: I really do think it’s tofu. I would love to know where these kids got Ciroc.

00:36:28 Asterios: [interjecting] I assume that their parents-

00:36:28 Sriracha: That’s hundreds of dollars worth of Ciroc they’re drinking in that video.

00:36:32 Asterios: There is a scene where a kid is just holding four high-class, high-shelf bottles of liquor like a big bottle of Bombay Sapphire, a bottle of Ciro- these kids have better taste in alcohol than we do.

00:36:45 Sriracha: They really made an investment in this music video.

00:36:47 Asterios: Well it- ap- apparently it paid off. All right. Speaking of payin’ off, let’s hope this next voicemail pays off. That’s a- a segue.

00:36:55 Sriracha: Ba-dum tsst.

00:36:57 Caller 6: Yes hi good afternoon this is [unintelligible], trying to get on hold with a- Asterios a koke-ee-nose.

00:37:04 Asterios: Oh wait this is- oh uh, sorry, uh let me get-

00:37:04 Caller 6: Hi Asterios you can call me back at 818-665-2177.

00:37:10 Sriracha: What was that?

00:37:10 Caller 6: I’m happy to assist you in this [unintelligible]-

00:37:10 Asterios: I am behind on my bills for a medical provider. I guess one of those voicemails got [unintelligible].

00:37:12 Caller 6: -send other options in case you need an arrangement. I’ll just go into a spare call, thank you and have a great [unintelligible] take care.

00:37:18 Sriracha: Pour oone!!

00:37:19 Asterios: Alright well let’s hear this next one!

00:37:21 Caller 7: Hey Asterios, just listened to the newest episode of a AKAK.

00:37:25 Asterios: Nice!

00:37:25 Caller 7: Finally also got my Indian roommate to start listening to your podcast.

00:37:30 Asterios: Well that’s racist to point out that he’s Indian.

00:37:31 Caller 7: Um, super cool that-

00:37:32 Sriracha: We love Indians.

00:37:34 Caller 7: -the episode that I got him to start listening on is when you started to be really racist against all of India. That was pretty cool of you.

00:37:41 Asterios: Oh, wait I’m going to pau- oh- OH THE VOICEMAIL STOPPED!

00:37:44 Sriracha:  Wait when were we racist against India?

00:37:46 Asterios: Look one of us- I don’t remember who- one of us might have said that they worshipped cows or something like gods.

00:37:51 Sriracha: Oh yeah you said that-

00:37:53 Asterios: [injecting] One of us-

00:37:53 Sriracha: -it was hilarious that McDonald’s made them eat their god or something.

00:37:57 Asterios: I don’t rememb- look let’s just finish this voicemail up.

00:38:01 Sriracha: Yeah I wonder who that was.

00:38:01 Caller 7: It’s just like, the Krishnas apparently is what I got from his very long diatribe about that, who don’t eat cows because they think it’s sacred.

00:38:11 Asterios: There you go! 

00:38:13 Caller 7: Everyone else is like, you know, normal.

00:38:16 Asterios: Heeeeyy normal? N- d- you’re the racist one here!

00:38:18 Caller 7: I would- I’d- I want- I wanna see- I wanna see some liberal surrender hands. What the fuck.

00:38:23 Asterios: Okay, well first off, I’d love it if you play this for your roommate who- let’s not call him your “Indian roommate,” I’m sure he has a name.

00:38:32 Sriracha: Definitely don’t say he’s Asian like tofu.

00:38:35 Asterios: Don’t say that. Look, sir- or madam, I don’t know- I apologise-

00:38:41 Sriracha: Why would he have a female roommate.

00:38:43 Asterios: Because eh progressive.

00:38:44 Sriracha: Uh, isn’t he in college?

00:38:46 Asterios: I dunno.

00:38:46 Sriracha: They don’t usually let you do tha- well my college did.

00:38:49 Asterios: They did?

00:38:50 Sriracha: They- you had to specifically ask for it though.

00:38:54 Asterios: Okay. Look, bottom line is: I apologise. Liberal surrender hands are up.

00:38:58 Sriracha: Yeah, he is putting them up. I didn’t say anything about people from the Indian peninsula-

00:39:04 Asterios: I’m pretty sure you said all of it, but it’s- I still apologise-

00:39:05 Sriracha: [interjecting] No I’m p- I’m pretty sure you-

00:39:06 Asterios: -on behalf of my girlfriend. Now I’m gonna rob her of her agency and her voice by apologising on her behalf. There we go! I erased racism with sexism!

00:39:14 Sriracha: Roll ooonee! [laughs]

00:39:16 Caller 8: Hello Asterios this is uh, Jacob calling from Colorado.

00:39:19 Asterios: Hey. 

00:39:19 Caller 8: I’m 16 years old and I have trouble sitting down and doing homework and paying attention. I was wondering for uh, any advice on how to fix this. They don’t even want me to do fun things with my homework like in speech & debate, they wouldn’t let me use the word cuckhold for a case.

00:39:31 Asterios: What?

00:39:32 Caller 8: Anyway thanks for your advice.

00:39:33 Asterios: The ultimate way to win any speech & debate is to accuse the other party of being a cuckold.

00:39:38 Sriracha: Thank you for that. First of all, I’m- can tell you’re gonna do great on this debate team because that voicemail: perfect length. Just bravo, hats off. I realise that I’m sounding not sincere at all-

00:39:49 Asterios: Well ‘cause you always do.

00:39:50 Sriracha: You- right. But I am genuinely being sin- just perfect voicemail length. Hats off to you Colorado.

00:39:56 Asterios: Um, alright, so he wants to know how to focus better in school? I think, hmm, what about the- what about punishments? What if you look up like, hmm…

00:40:08 Sriracha: What if you poured seltzer water in your butt every time you get-

00:40:10 Asterios: [interjecting] Okay that’s not the answer to everything. What if you- [gasps] I know what to do. Ask your teachers about some of the worst students they’ve ever had. I bet your teachers will tell stories about like, kids who were burnin’ down schools, and aren’t graduating, and are gettin’- becoming dad’s at age 14 and are doin’ the- you gotta get scared straight! Do you think we can scare this kids straight?

00:40:36 Sriracha: I- ooh okay you went a different direction with that. I love your idea, but I think the theor- the tactic you need to use here is: if you get the teacher off topic enough, maybe they’ll forget to assign the homework, and you’ve solved your problem not just for you but for everyone.

00:40:51 Asterios: Oh that’s fucking brilliant.

00:40:53 Sriracha: I had so many teachers like that in high school who would just go completely off the rails.

00:40:58 Asterios: Yeah, just talk about whatever they want?

00:41:00 Sriracha: Right.

00:41:00 Asterios: Yeah I love it. Figuring out what weird t- like topic like your teacher had a pet passion for?

00:41:08 Sriracha: Right, you gotta find their specific autism.

00:41:10 Asterios: Yeah exact- yes! Okay hmm, how do we get this kid to focus up in school? Um, something that I do to focus up is I play video games that have like short rounds that are like turn-based? So it’s like I- and I- I’m- I don’t know if I’ve given this e- this advice before but it’s like, I’ll answer an email and then I’ll play one round of FTL, and then I’ll- I’ll answer a direct message from someone and then I’ll play one round of uh, Into the Breach. Some sort of immediate reward system often helps me do shit I don’t want to do.

00:41:46 Sriracha: I don’t know I’m the other way around. I need to save the reward until I’m actually done because I can’t get focused again. Get on Adderall, that’s my advice.

00:41:55 Asterios: Okay that’s actually not terrible advi-

00:41:56 Sriracha: [interjecting] Rail Adderall.

00:41:57 Asterios: Man.

00:41:59 Sriracha: Poke holes in your liver.

00:42:01 Asterios: I want to do Adderall so bad.

00:42:03 Sriracha: Why?

00:42:03 Asterios: Because I can’t focus on anything. The only thing that has me like creating content full-time is some guy getting me fired from my job.

00:42:11 Sriracha: Maybe you genuinely need Adderall.

00:42:13 Asterios: I think I might, but I alway- I hear it pokes holes in your heart.

00:42:17 Sriracha: It- it pokes holes in your liver.

00:42:19 Asterios: God damn my liver is already pretty fucked.

00:42:21 Sriracha: Yeah my liver’s definitely been destroyed.

00:42:24 Asterios: Well what if I snort the Adderall? Let’s say off of a hooker’s body?

00:42:28 Sriracha: I snorted Vyvanse once and it made my nose bleed.

00:42:31 Asterios: I’m sorry.

00:42:32 Sriracha: Or maybe my brain- brain was bleeding.

00:42:35 Asterios: I’m so sorry. Okay, well we’ve given you a couple of ideas here, uh Jacob. Do a thing wi- you gotta reward yourself because look: knowledge is not its own reward. Your diploma is not its own reward. Look you gotta get a diploma, because otherwise you’re fuckin’ parents’ll judge you forever.

00:42:57 Sriracha: Right.

00:42:57 Asterios: You don’t have to go to college. And don’t fall into that trap either. For Christ sakes, I will be out of d- I will be out of college debt when I am 40 years old, and I’m one of the lucky ones who has like very low interest rate loans.

00:43:09 Sriracha: What is your interest rate.

00:43:10 Asterios: 3%.

00:43:11 Sriracha: Really?

00:43:12 Asterios: Yeah.

00:43:12 Sriracha: That’s low.

00:43:13 Asterios: Yeah because I- I know people now that have like 11% college loan interest rates.

00:43:17 Sriracha: Oh my God.

00:43:18 Asterios: Yeah I know it’s r- it’s goddamn ridiculous.

00:43:20 Sriracha: This is goddamn ridiculous.

00:43:22 Asterios: Yeah so- yeah well look: you gotta graduate from high school. On the other hand, no one- mmm… you can get away with B’s and C’s right?

00:43:33 Sriracha: Not in high school, in college yeah.

00:43:35 Asterios: In college. Yes.

00:43:36 Sriracha: When was the last time somebody asked you for your [unintelligible] you want to be a lawyer or a doctor, forget about it. Just barely sk- you can barely skate by in college and you will be rewarded for it.

00:43:47 Asterios: College was a lot of fun, for me. It was expensive but it was fun. Did you have a good time in college?

00:43:52 Sriracha: [mumbling] It was fine.

00:43:53 Asterios: That’s okay. You poor thing.

00:43:57 Sriracha: Uh I had-

00:43:57 Asterios: [interjecting] You just, when she answered that question she was just so sad. Did you not have fun in college?

00:44:02 Sriracha: It- it was fine. It wasn’t particularly- I don’t think it was the best- like if a- a lot of people say that your college years are the best years of your life. Well if that’s the truth I might as well just off myself right now because it was fine. It just- I- I feel aggressively ambivalent-

00:44:20 Asterios: Wow.

00:44:22 Sriracha: -about going to college.

00:44:23 Asterios: The college I went to was kind of like summer camp. It was like film camp. It was like four years of going to film camp.

00:44:28 Sriracha:  Yeah, that’s fun. I don’t really care about my degree or anything I studied.

00:44:33 Asterios: Alright well hey, maybe this next voicemail will cheer you up.

00:44:37 Sriracha: I’m ready. I hope it’s about putting stuff in the butt.

00:44:37 Caller 9: Hey Asterios so I’m calling you from work in my car. I just had a very traumatic flashback. I saw the new episode for Asterios Kills a Kid was in my feed, and it reminded me of how, a while back I was trying to write like a theme song or something for your show, ‘cause I’m like, “Aw, I could do a ‘pop goes the weasel’ to the Asterios Kills a Kid theme” I- I had one made up in my head. I was writin’ lyrics for it, and I left it out on my table, as you do. And my cousin showed up, and he’s like, “What the fuck is this?” I haven’t done anything musically since high school, and even then I don’t know shit, so it’s like the scribblings of a madman, and I’m just perpetually fuckin’ embarrassed about it, so uh, thank you for that. Go fuck yourself buddy.

00:45:24 Sriracha: How- why- why are you thanking us because you fucked up and left your uh-

00:45:29 Asterios: -hopes and dreams out on the kitchen table?

00:45:31 Sriracha: You left your- we’re- what is it called when a character in a TV show put string on.. [laughs]

00:45:37 Asterios: [laughs] Uh, y- um, I don’t know uh, evidence board?

00:45:42 Sriracha: -yeah, you’re crazy string-board out. I- I thi- I think we’ve got very limited liability here.

00:45:49 Asterios: I’m gonna take a different take on this: your cousin sucks.

00:45:52 Sriracha: Yeah your cousin does suck.

00:45:53 Asterios: You’re like- I don’t know what your cousin’s doing at your house when you’re not there. I think- I think he’s got one of these fuckin’ Uncle Buck style situations, where he’s just got like some sort of layabout- like, kind of shiftless, swinging-from-job-to-job-cousin. You’re gonna let this guy judge you? You have a job and a car. I know that ‘cause you called me from your car outside your job!

00:46:16 Sriracha: Yeah! 

00:46:16 Asterios: What’s your cousin doin’ all day?

00:46:18 Sriracha: I bet not writing theme songs.

00:46:20 Asterios: Yeah. You listen here, guy-who-says-he’s-traumatised: we want that theme song. And whatever it is, we will use it. Maybe only one time because it sucks. But we’ll use it once!

00:46:33 Sriracha: Yeah that’s your first adult lesson is not everything is worth pursuing, but we’ll use it one time.

00:46:38 Asterios: Yeah exact- look, we’ll use it once! Send us the theme song, and you tell your cousin to go fuck him or herself.

00:46:44 Sriracha: Yeah, and then fuck your cousin.

00:46:46 Asterios: Yeah, and then have sex with them.

00:46:48 Sriracha: Have sex with- wait, how closely related are you two?

00:46:51 Asterios: Are you- 

00:46:51 Sriracha: [interjecting] What does it mean when someone says that their cousin is “X-times-removed?”

00:46:56 Asterios: I- I don’t know. That’s a weird path you gotta go down when you start figuring out like- look, my parents tells me someone’s my cousin, I assume that means don’t fuck them.

00:47:05 Sriracha: Yeah I would- I don’t want anyone I’m related to either.

00:47:09 Asterios: Yeah I’m not doin’ any digging. I’m not gonna be like, [nasally voice] “Mmm, maybe there’s a secret by law that says that-” no no no.

00:47:14 Sriracha: I didn’t ask if you would fuck your once removed cousin, I asked literally just what the word means.

00:47:19 Asterios: But the only reason anyone would look into like, “What is once removed? What is twice removed?” is they’re lookin’ for some sort of sliver they can stick in.

00:47:28 Sriracha: What the fuck are you talking about? You looked up Shoah, and I’m sure you don’t want to kill people of the Abrahamic faith.

00:47:35 Asterios: I sure don’t! Oh- oh okay, I’ll look up cousins twice removed or whatever. Alright hold on, “cousin twice removed.”

00:47:44 Sriracha: ”meaning”

00:47:45 Asterios: Okay, “The words once removed means that there is a difference of one generation. Twice removed means there’s a two generation difference.”

00:47:52 Sriracha: What do you mean?

00:47:53 Asterios: Uh, you are two generations younger than a first cousin of your grandmother. So you and your grandmother’s first cousin, are first cousins twice removed.

00:48:03 Sriracha: Oh I thought it meant you had to get divorced and then remarried. [laughs]

00:48:07 Asterios: What the fuck are you- what? What did you think?

00:48:11 Sriracha: So my- my aunt has a kid, that’s my cousin. Alright.

00:48:14 Asterios: Okay.

00:48:15 Sriracha: Then my aunt divorces her husband, and now my cousin is removed. And then my aunt gets married again to the same dude [laughs], and now he’s my cousin again.

00:48:26 Asterios: [disappointing] I’m gonna play the next voicemail. That’s not what this means.

00:48:28 Sriracha: Ah, I’m hungry.

00:48:30 Asterios: Okay hold on.

00:48:30 Caller 10: A legal lawsuit and warrant for your arrest has been procured under your name. Call us back immediately before we take any legal action. You can reach us at 346-600-8827.

00:48:37 Asterios: Oh god.

00:48:37 Sriracha: Is this another one? Oh my god this is the second time. Call them back immediately what are you doing?

00:48:41 Asterios: I tried to call them before! Wait-

00:48:43 Sriracha: I’m gonna call them on my phone.

00:48:45 Caller 10: I repeat 346-600-8827.

00:48:44 Asterios: 346… 346… 346-600-8827.

00:48:54 Sriracha: 346… what?

00:48:56 Asterios: 600-8827. I’m going to call them right now.

00:48:58 Sriracha: Yeah please do.

00:48:59 Asterios: Motherfuc- oh- there’s a warrant out for my arrest!

00:49:03 Sriracha: Yeah you need to call them back.

00:49:04 Asterios: God damn it. I can’t even blame this one on Maddox this one’s on me.

00:49:08 Sriracha: Yeah.

00:49:09 Asterios: I mean I could probably find a way to blame it on Maddox if I tried, but I’m not gonna- I mean look if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be behind on my taxes because I wouldn’t be so stressed out! There you go. All right guys I’ve- I- I got it. I got there. I got there.

00:49:20 Sriracha: You did it.

00:49:21 Asterios: I did it. We did it Reddit. All right.

00:49:23 Sriracha: Did you call them?

00:49:24 Asterios: I’m calling them right now. “Call failed to connect because the number was busy?” God dammit the IRS is so-

00:49:30 Sriracha: The IRS should have more than one phone line.

00:49:33 Asterios: Yeah I mean but I- budget cuts you know? Times are tough! Deficits!

00:49:37 Sriracha: That’s why they need so many iTunes gift cards. [laughs]

00:49:39 Asterios: I know. Alright well let’s- let’s listen to the voicemail.

00:49:42 Caller 11: [Robo-call in Spanish. Oh God I can’t speak Spanish. If you’re reading this, please don’t tell Asterios. It goes on for a while.]

00:49:53 Asterios: [Exclamation from Asterios in Spanish, it sounds like, “Meal door S?”]

00:49:53 Caller 11: [Robo-voice continues speaking. Fuuuck, I’m going to get replaced with speech recognition software aren’t I?]

00:49:58 Sriracha: This is literally the IRS call in Spanish.

00:50:01 Asterios: Sí! Es muy serios! [hyperventilating] I day me ose [??]. Qué lástima!

00:50:11 Sriracha: Qué Maddo. [???]

00:50:12 Asterios: Okay. Alright, next voicemail.

00:50:14 Caller 12: -call. Recently we received information regarding your request for help with your chronic pain.

00:50:20 Asterios: Wait…

00:50:20 Caller 12: If you have Medicare or private insurance, you may qualify for a medical grade back or knee brace-

00:50:22 Sriracha: How the fuck do you find ‘em?

00:50:24 Asterios: I- I didn’t make any requests! But, I mean…

00:50:26 Sriracha: I did. No, this one’s for me.

00:50:27 Asterios: Oh okay.

00:50:27 Caller 12: -that may be covered by your insurance.

00:50:29 Asterios: All right, knee brace [unintelligible].

00:50:29 Caller 12: To see if you qualify for this pain relief press 1 now to be placed on our [unintelligible]

00:50:31 Sriracha: True, I’ve blown out knees eatin’ so much ass.

00:50:35 Asterios: [laughing boisterously] OH MY GOD.

00:50:37 Sriracha: I eat ass with my knees.

00:50:39 Asterios: Alright. Hopefully this last voicemail is a voicemail.

00:50:42 Sriracha: Yeah that didn’t sound like a kid.

00:50:44 Asterios: No none of these have sounded like- okay this one’s a minute and fifty six seconds long.

00:50:47 Sriracha: [interjecting] Oh my goood. Okay.

00:50:47 Asterios: No matter what this is our last voicemail. You ready?

00:50:49 Sriracha: Yeah.

00:50:50 Caller 13: Alright first off why does the thing ring like six times if it’s only for voicemail? Um… but hey!

00:50:54 Sriracha: I don’t know why did you talk for-

00:50:56 Asterios: Two minutes.

00:50:57 Sriracha: Yeah two minutes. Uhhhg. 

00:50:58 Caller 13: I was listening to the podcast- uh, the- the Porg Chatter first off: no, I had never clued-in on why it was porg chatter so episode 8, yes, thank you for explaining it. I finally caught on. Um, but as you were talking about the microplaning face fucked up shit, I just wanted to comment because I was driving when it happened, and I swear to god not exaggerating, as you were looking for a name I just started screaming to myself uh, while in my car just: ”Face Off! Face Off!” and I almost swerved off the road and I thought it was uh, noteworthy-

00:51:30 Asterios: It’s not.

00:51:31 Sriracha: Fascinating. Yeah, thank you for including that.

00:51:31 Caller 13: -but the real reason I’m calling, is I think I know what happened to Tallard

00:51:35 Sriracha: What happened to Tallard?

00:51:35 Caller 13: -and why that dude had three giant porgs. Now there is uh, with people who have weird fetishes- some of them, for example, they like to, you know just jerk off on shoes, and they have like weird foot fetishes-

00:51:51 Sriracha: Okay.

00:51:50 Caller 13: -and then they’ll- they’ll get rid of the shoes. They’ll go, they’ll buy like a 200 dollar pair of shoes, ‘cause it’s extra pretty and then they’ll- they’ll fuck it?

00:51:57 Asterios: Kay I…

00:51:57 Sriracha: They’re attracted to the shoes or the [unintelligible]…

00:51:58 Caller 13: -you know just come all over it, and then out of shame they’re just gonna destroy them or like, hide them away in a closet.

00:52:02 Sriracha: Oh okay. 

00:52:03 Caller 13: -so what I suspect happened is: this dude, or a [unintelligible]… maybe that’s their thing, they went to town on the giant porg, uh, you know, banged it’s feet a couple times, hence the- the things. And you know put out cigarettes on it and stuff ‘cause… well they’re- they’re fucking a giant porg so, I mean… I don’t need to explain anything there.

00:52:26 Sriracha: Uhhh, feel like you need a citation there actually.

00:52:26 Caller 13: And then they were so ashamed of themselves they tucked it away and they had to get a new one. And so the cycle started all over again. So uh, you’re welcome for solving that, and enjoy Tallard.

00:52:38 Sriracha: Enjoy call- oh Tallard. Okay caller I’ve got a couple discrep- couple discrepancies with your call in. First of all, thank you very much for including the minute long story with no relevance it was [wordless exclamation from Asterios] truly fascinating. Second of all thank you for listening to porg chatter, we really do appreciate you. Um, third of all, the stains on Tallard’s feet are actually black, so unless there is something real weird going on there in the… like- and buddy if- if the dude that sold it- the porg to me is listening to this, and this kid has it right, you get that checked out ‘cause you got an infection bro. [laughs]

00:53:18 Asterios: What if his you-know-what bleaches stuff-

00:53:23 Sriracha: Does cum bleach stuff?

00:53:25 Asterios: I’m not gonna say it bleaches st- here’s what I’ll say: sometimes certain towels… if substances get spilled on to them, there’s evidence left on the towel even after you wash it.

00:53:35 Sriracha: Vaginas do do that.

00:53:37 Asterios: Yes.

00:53:37 Sriracha: Because if you’ve ever looked in the crotch area of a woman’s panties- 

00:53:42 Asterios: Right.

00:53:42 Sriracha: -sometimes it’ll be a little bit bleached because our- our- our vaginas

00:53:46 Asterios: [interjecting] -are acidic. 

00:53:47 Sriracha: -are so acidic, yeah.

00:53:48 Asterios: They’re- yeah, and the reason they’re acidic is to stop babies from happening, ‘cause it’s like only the strong survive.

00:53:55 Sriracha: What [laughs].

00:53:56 Asterios: You didn’t know that?

00:53:57 Sriracha: I don’t think you know how vaginas work.

00:53:58 Asterios: Here’s how they work. Let me mansplain your own anatomy to you.

00:54:01 Sriracha: [interjecting] Please go ahead.

00:54:02 Asterios: Okay so let’s say a dude um, gifts-

00:54:06 Sriracha: Actually, you keep talking. I’m gonna draw a diagram of a vagina and we’re gonna label the parts right now. Okay ready? Keep talkin’.

00:54:13 Asterios: Okay!

00:54:13 Sriracha: You keep talkin’.

00:54:14 Asterios: Sure I’d love to. Let’s say a- a dude uh, gives his biological gift to a woman. Well you only want the strongest of those to survive. So the acid kills the weaker ones, so that only the best and brightest of the boys make it to the finish line. That is true, that- that’s kind of the whole point of the female reproductive system is to weed out a lot of the bad eggs, if you know what I mean. Ee- eh- there’s some irony there. Okay? Now Sriracha is back and she’s uh- she’s drawing. So she’s drawing some kind of horse.

00:54:52 Sriracha: Draw- draw- drawing a vagina.

00:54:53 Asterios: Kay, it looks like she’s drawing some kind of moose?

00:54:56 Sriracha: A vagina.

00:54:57 Asterios: It’s got big ears, and uh, I guess this moose ate spaghetti for lunch ‘cause there’s a bunch of spaghetti in its tummy.

00:55:04 Sriracha: Okay this is a vagina. Ready?

00:55:06 Asterios: Okay excellent. Huh?

00:55:09 Sriracha: I’m gonna point to parts of the vagina and you tell me what they’re called.

00:55:11 Asterios: Sure. Kay, that’s the uterus.

00:55:13 Sriracha: Wrong.

00:55:14 Asterios: Yes it is.

00:55:15 Sriracha: Wrong.

00:55:16 Asterios: That’s the uterus!

00:55:17 Sriracha: That is the vagina.

00:55:18 Asterios: What- wait what are you fuckin’ pointing at?

00:55:20 Sriracha: Right here. This block right here.

00:55:23 Asterios: Okay.

00:55:23 Sriracha: Pointing- pointing right there.

00:55:25 Asterios: Okay, that’s the uterus.

00:55:26 Sriracha: No.

00:55:26 Asterios: What’s next? Next question.

00:55:28 Sriracha: Right here.

00:55:29 Asterios: Okay that’s the labial lips.

00:55:31 Sriracha: Close, I’ll give it to you. That’s the vulva. It’s called a vulva.

00:55:34 Asterios: Okay well- and a vulva is made up of two labial lips.

00:55:38 Sriracha: [laughs] That is not how you pronounce that-

00:55:41 Asterios: Kay well it’s the-

00:55:41 Sriracha: [interjecting] What are they?

00:55:43 Asterios: The labia?

00:55:44 Sriracha: Yeah. Wha- name the two labias.

00:55:46 Asterios: Labia majora, labia minora.

00:55:48 Sriracha: Okay you got that one.

00:55:49 Asterios: Yeah you- and also, I’m not kidding, you were pointing at the uterus but please continue.

00:55:53 Sriracha: [interjecting] I was not.

00:55:54 Asterios: The uterus- uh, a chamber that has uterine lining, where a fertilised egg can become embedded?

00:56:02 Sriracha: That is not the uterus. The vagina and the uterus are two very different things.

00:56:07 Asterios: [gravelly] I am well aware of that-

00:56:09 Sriracha: [interjecting] Then why did you say “uterus” when I pointed-

00:56:11 Asterios: [interjecting] Because you pointed it at the- alright you keep going. You- you’re drawing is shitty.

00:56:13 Sriracha: Okay. What is the- okay I’m gonna describe. What’s the thing that separates the actual uterus and the vagina called?

00:56:20 Asterios: The cervix.

00:56:21 Sriracha: What does the cervix do?

00:56:23 Asterios: The cervix creates a mucous membrane-

00:56:27 Sriracha: [interjecting] Wrong. Wrong.

00:56:27 Asterios: A.K.- known as cervical mucus, which, once the uterus has successfully embedded a fertilised egg within the uterine lining, stops the uterus from flushing the fertilised egg.

00:56:40 Sriracha: You think cervical mucus is made in the cervix.

00:56:42 Asterios: Did I say that?

00:56:44 Sriracha: Yes.

00:56:44 Asterios: Did I say that?

00:56:46 Sriracha: Yes.

00:56:46 Asterios: I did not say that- 

00:56:47 Sriracha: [interjecting] You said the cervix makes-

00:56:47 Asterios: I said that there is cer- such thing as cervical mucus.

00:56:50 Sriracha: Of course there is such thing as cervical mucus, but it’s not made by the cervix.

00:56:55 Asterios: Hey. And I didn’t say that.

00:56:56 Sriracha: [interjecting] Yes you did.

00:56:57 Asterios: Labia minora. Labia majora-

00:56:59 Sriracha: [interjecting] You can’t go back to your-

00:56:59 Asterios: Fallopian tubes. Ectopic pregnancies. Uterine lining. Cervix. Cervical mucus. I’m- I know all the- you got to admit, I know way more about this than you thought I did.

00:57:12 Sriracha: Yeah I did, yeah I’ll admit-

00:57:12 Asterios: [interjecting] Yeah exactly ‘cause I’m not a fucking idiot. Now p- now please, why don’t you- hey, why don’t you talk about the fallopian tubes which you drew over there, huh?

00:57:21 Sriracha: What does the Fallopian tubes do?

00:57:23 Asterios: The fallopian tubes are a channel that carries unfertilised eggs from your ovaries to to your c- to your uterus.

00:57:34 Sriracha: I probably could not name the parts of the penis.

00:57:36 Asterios: Well-

00:57:37 Sriracha: [interjecting] I know most of them…

00:57:39 Asterios: Yeah hold on let me drop the penis he- smart girl.

00:57:41 Sriracha: No, why don’t you pull up a diagram of a penis and then I’ll- BuzzFeed must have a quiz for this. Yeah let’s take a penis quiz right now-

00:57:48 Asterios:  [interjecting] No j- just give me the fuckin’ thing and I- I’ll-

00:57:49 Sriracha: No I’m gonna find the BuzzFeed version because I don’t trust your drawing.

00:57:54 Asterios: Oh yeah ‘cause your drawing was perfect.

00:57:56 Sriracha: I’m a beautiful artist.

00:57:57 Asterios: Alright listen, I’m ending this episode.

00:57:59 Sriracha: ”buzzfeed-” no they want to know how much I know about cocks. “buzzfeed… label…”

00:58:02 Asterios: [interjecting] No- o- o- okay Sriracha?

00:58:05 Sriracha: Yes? 

00:58:05 Asterios: Do me a favour make eye contact with me and stop texting on your phone for one second. Some sort of BuzzFeed quiz… that’s gonna be boring. Now here- here’s what I’m going to do for you.

00:58:14 Sriracha: Okay.

00:58:14 Asterios: I’m gonna name parts of the penis, you tell me if they’re real, or made up.

00:58:18 Sriracha: Oh okay I can do that.

00:58:19 Asterios: Okay excellent. [Sriracha laughs and hums the Jeopardy theme] The Trunkis.

00:58:24 Sriracha: Fake.

00:58:26 Asterios: All right. Very good. That was fake. Perineum.

00:58:28 Sriracha: Very real.

00:58:30 Asterios: Very good. The vas deferens.

00:58:32 Sriracha: Very real.

00:58:33 Asterios: Okay. The Cowper’s gland.

00:58:36 Sriracha: Fake.

00:58:36 Asterios: Nope! The Cowper’s gland is real!

00:58:37 Sriracha: [interjecting] Really? Wait seriously?

00:58:38 Asterios: I am so sorry, the Cowper’s gland is a small little zone that’s on the male prostate, which is real, and when you touch it it’s the male G-spot. It’s the Cowper’s gland.

00:58:48 Sriracha: [interjecting] Did you say that two male prostates are real?

00:58:51 Asterios: That has been Asterios Kills a Kid-

00:58:54 Sriracha: [interjecting] I’m sorry the-

00:58:55 Asterios: You lose! Wait what?

00:58:57 Sriracha: Wait, you’re saying that the prostate is real?

00:59:00 Asterios: Yeah.

00:59:01 Sriracha: I thought that was a myth like a G-spot. Also, men can’t orgasm. They say tha- people have told me that you can, but I think it’s pee.

00:59:09 Asterios: [Sriracha laughs] Is a great way to support the show. When you join, you get: early episodes (days early, sometimes weeks early), bonus episodes, and here’s s- here’s something I want to start doing with our podcasts. I want to start thinking random patrons.

00:59:27 Sriracha: Okay.

00:59:28 Asterios: You know, ‘cause they’re like our fucking sponsors. So I’d like to thank 10PM Agenda.

00:59:34 Sriracha: I love you 10PM Agenda…

00:59:36 Asterios: I’d like to thank 5 Minutes Of Mystery.

00:59:38 Sriracha: I love you 5 Minutes Of Mystery… are you just going down the list of the first ones?

00:59:42 Asterios: Yeah, I mean it’s in alphabetical order. And Aaron B.

00:59:46 Sriracha: I love you Aaron B.

00:59:48 Asterios: Thank you all for supporting us. Look: this is how we pay our rent. This is how I pay my health insurance. This is a- Sriracha gets a percentage of the Patreon every month, this is how she gets paid. So it’s really nice of you to back us up and to help us out.

00:59:59 Sriracha: Hi.

01:00:00 Asterios: I think that might be about it. Um…

01:00:03 Sriracha: What does the vas deferens do?

01:00:04 Asterios: What does Anna do?

01:00:06 Sriracha: No for real.

01:00:07 Asterios: [laughing and grasping for words] I- the vas deferens is where the sperm go to work out, so they get strong, so they can punch through the cervical mucus, and make it to the promised land known as the uterus.

01:00:22 Sriracha: I feel like you’re memeing, but that might actually- I feel like the vas deferens is the channel that’s- because I know the vas deferens, men have it and women don’t. So the only reason that you would have it, and we don’t, is if I had to do a sperms.

01:00:36 Asterios: Everything about the penis has to do with sperms, baby.

01:00:38 Sriracha: That’s not true not the urethra.

01:00:40 Asterios: Where do you think the sperms go through?

01:00:42 Sriracha: Yeah but you also pee from there.

01:00:43 Asterios: Well I didn’t say it was all-

01:00:44 Sriracha: [interjecting] And women have urethras.

01:00:45 Asterios: What?

01:00:46 Sriracha: Women have urethras. Ours are very short.

01:00:48 Asterios: [grumbling quietly] I’m just trying…

01:00:49 Sriracha: Stout.

01:00:49 Asterios: Just tryin’ to wrap up the epis- trying to wrap up the episode. Just trying to wrap it on up!

01:00:54 Sriracha: Peritoneum is the area commonly referred to as the taint. [laughs]

01:01:02 Asterios: I’ll tell you what: you clearly have a lot you want to say about the penis and the vagina-

01:01:05 Sriracha: [interjecting] What are the three bones in your ear? Bet you don’t know that one.

01:01:10 Asterios: The cochlea, the cochlea minor, and the cochlea major.

01:01:12 Sriracha: Those are not bones. They’re three tiny- teeny tiny little bones. They’re in your eardrum. What are they?

01:01:19 Asterios: I don’t know. I never claimed I knew the ear.

01:01:21 Sriracha: It’s the anvil, the hammer, and I don’t remember what the last one is.

01:01:26 Asterios: Okay great. Great job. You can go to

01:01:29 Sriracha: [interjecting] -to learn more about your ears. [laughs]

01:01:31 Asterios: Go to If you are a teenager you can write us an email, you can s- get some advice, or you can leave as a voicemail. If you want some advice you can- of course you call 347-705-7617. That number once again: 347-705-7617. Sriracha, thank you for helping kids today. You’re a real hero.

01:01:53 Sriracha: I love kids.

01:01:54 Asterios: Okay, that’s… maybe say that a little less creepy next time.

01:01:57 Sriracha: [interjecting] I want to put them all-

01:01:58 Asterios: MOVING O-

01:01:58 Sriracha: -in a stroller.

01:02:00 Asterios: You want to what?

01:02:01 Sriracha: I want to put them all in a stroller.

01:02:03 Asterios: Okay.

01:02:03 Sriracha: And walk around with them.

01:02:04 Asterios: Way to go. All right good. Nice pivot.

01:02:06 Sriracha: [interjecting] Kids need to be taken out for air, at least once a year. [laughs]

01:02:10 Asterios: That’s- at least. At the very least, yes. Okay!

01:02:16 Sriracha: [interjecting] Well like, don’t get crazy, but…

01:02:17 Asterios: We’ll see you next time and don’t die kids!

01:02:19 Sriracha: Put your kids outside. Just let ‘em go. [laughs]

[Bye Bye Birdie’s “Kids” plays again, fading out as the podcast ends.]