Asterios Kills a Kid | Transcript for Episode 6: Kick His Hopes & Dreams

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Transcript for Episode 6: Kick His Hopes & Dreams

August 23, 2018

[Bye Bye Birdie’s “Kids” plays, starting loud, then fading.]

00:00:12 Asterios: Welcome, to Asterios Kills a Kid, the children’s advice podcast hosted by broken people. By people who don’t want kids, and who don’t take advice! I’m your host, Asterios Kokkinos, with me as always is…

00:00:28 Sriracha: Heaaauuaa.

00:00:29 Asterios: Uh- that is Srirachese for Sriracha. Hi.

00:00:34 Sriracha: No, Srirachese for Sriracha is, “MWAAAAAA!!!”

00:00:36 Asterios: [laughs] Oh okay. So- got it. Got it. Movin’ on- you’re- so okay you guys can’t see this but Sriracha is holding a tiny little porg, and it’s really cute.

00:00:47 Sriracha: I’m really excited to be here today. Oh man, we just recorded- I think we’re gonna release it what as bonus audio? I was real, real angry last night.

00:00:56 Asterios: Well yeah you should be! Because uh- oh- okay, you’ll hear this at patreon.com/asterios for only a dollar, it’s uh, I mean not to give too much away but, Sriracha is regularly asked for advice from friends and family members, and they never take her advice and it always becomes a disaster.

00:01:13 Sriracha: [interjecting] and then… never take it. So if you wanna see me get whipped up into a frenzy over a credit scores and car loans [laughs] please, head on over to patreon.com/asterios and see a woman get irresponsibly angry at her own family.

00:01:28 Asterios: Yeaaahh. Look, after I heard it, you’ve got every right to be angry. Well anyway, listen, a lot of people ask us like, “Hey, are you really answering questions from kids?” The answer is absolutely yes.

00:01:39 Sriracha: That’s true.

00:01:40 Asterios: We have teenage listeners. We’ve met them. Two different times now I have met a listener and their mom, and taken a picture with like a fifteen-year-old kid on one arm and his adorable mom on the other. Like, we got teenage listeners!

00:01:55 Sriracha: Yeah, that was a sweet sweet sweet mom we met at uh, the Dick Show in Atlanta. Do you remember that?

00:02:01 Asterios: Yes. That mom, straight up like the mom from “That Seventies Show”. I loved that mom.

00:02:06 Sriracha: She was real sweet sweetie.

00:02:07 Asterios: But then, you compare that mom to the mom we met when we did the meet-up in new Jersey. That lo- that, you know, very… attractiv- I’m sorry to say it ‘cause I know he’s listening but like, your mom’s p- pretty hot.

00:02:20 Sriracha: There were- there are two different types of moms that I’ve [unintelligible] to meet, and they’re like: [southern accent] “Aww, sweet hawt, bless ya hawt. Siranchi want some gummies? I got gummy beyas in my purse,” and of course all the time I’m like, “Yeahh well… want- wanna ‘nack? Please gimma a ‘nack.” And then there’s like, [angry] “I’m bringin’ my kid to this bar. Fuck you!”

00:02:35 Asterios: Yeah, I love that mom. That mom-

00:02:37 Sriracha: [interjecting] And that’s the type of mom that we met in New Jersey.

00:02:39 Asterios: [gravelly] “I drove three hours so my kid could meet an idiot with a beard [Sriracha laughs]. You’re letting him in.

00:02:46 Sriracha: She’s cool.

00:02:47 Asterios: Like she did not sound like that, but… but that was the id- ANYWAY, so we really do only answer questions from kids, however this time we’re tryin’ something new. We have a voicemail number…

00:02:57 Sriracha: Oh Jesus.

00:02:58 Asterios: Are- yeah I know! I know. By the way, that voicemail phone number is: 347-705-7617. Again, 347-705-7617, uh or, if you’re lookin’ for an easy way to remember that, you can dial DIP-S, oh five, SO, seventeen.

00:03:23 Sriracha: Easy!

00:03:24 Asterios: It’s gon- look it couldn’t be easier!

00:03:26 Sriracha: Simple and easy.

00:03:27 Asterios: So- now look I haven’t heard these voicemails yet, but I asked for only teenagers to leave voicemails.

00:03:33 Sriracha: Oohhh yeah, honest to god I have not heard any of these so this is- we’re going in blind here.

00:03:38 Asterios: Alright, we’re going in blind, so if these are adults, I’m sorry. We tried. They better not be a- adults have everything by the way! They can go to a candy store, put down their credit card and buy fifty dollars worth of candy. They can go buy weed whenever they want, they can have alcohol in the house. Like, why can’t kids have this one thing?

00:03:56 Sriracha: Don’t get me started on credit cards again Asterios-

00:03:59 Asterios: [interjecting] Okay, I’m sorry.

00:03:59 Sriracha: - are you just tryin’ to womp me up?

00:04:00 Asterios: I’m sorry, I’m not trying to womp you up. I’m never trying to, quote, “Womp you up.” Alright, let’s play the first voicemail.

00:04:08 Caller 1: [drawn out sigh] Uh okay, okay I can do this.

00:04:13 Sriracha: Already. Already great.

00:04:14 Caller 1: [adult voice, American accent] Look, this number is apparently for troubled kids who need advice, right? Well, here goes nothing. So, I probably sound like an east-coast American, I know that, but actually, I was one of the kids trapped in Thailand’s caves. [Sriracha laughs] I’m glad to be out of there-

00:04:29 Asterios: Oh god.

00:04:29 Caller 1: -don’t get me wrong. But during my time in there, I realized some scary things about myself. See, I think I started to struggle with my, well… um, with my sexuality a little bit.

00:04:39 Sriracha: Is that a cat?

[tape stops]

00:04:41 Asterios: Alright, we’re stoppin’ this. Okay. Strike one.

00:04:45 Sriracha: You don’t wanna finish? I really want to learn about what’s wrong with his sexuality Asterios.

00:04:49 Asterios: The- you know what? There’s not gonna be anything wrong with it. He’s just gonna find out that he’s gay. And there’s nothing wrong with that!

00:04:54 Sriracha: [interjecting] Maybe he’s… attracted to Elon Musk. There’s nothing wrong with being gay.

00:04:58 Asterios: Exactly! There’s nothing wrong with telling Elon Musk that you wanna put his submarine up your ass. Alright, you really wanna listen to this?

00:05:04 Sriracha: Yes.

00:05:04 Asterios: Okay ‘cause this is clearly not a kid-

00:05:06 Sriracha: [interjecting] He needs our help!

00:05:07 Asterios: No kid would start off with, “I know this is a podcast for troubled teens.”

00:05:12 Sriracha: Well okay, first of all I am really upset, frankly, that instead of uh- first of all, I’m really upset that you start off with lambasting this young gentleman who’s questioning his sexuality. I’m sure he doesn’t have enough of that in his life from his family. And second of all, why aren’t you praising this kid’s great English? This kid probably has amazing grades in school. This guy- this small Taiwanese boy - I think he’s about the… between the ages of seven and twelve, or fifteen, who can’t swim - should be lauded.

00:05:41 Asterios: Alright. I’ll give you another 25 seconds of this. But we’re doin’ this whole segment gong-show style.

00:05:47 Caller 1: It went like this. We didn’t have a lot of stuff for entertainment down there, but this one coach of ours did have some sexy foreign vids, just in case of emergencies he said.

00:05:57 Sriracha: Wait, you had a phone?

00:05:59 Caller 1: Watching them over and over again on a loop down there though, just to pass the time? It made me realize that I’m gonna have to break it to my family at some point. But I don’t know how they’ll take that in a traditional south-east Asian country like Thailand. [Sriracha laughs] That, and I don’t wanna be so fucking faggy like Elon Musk-

00:06:16 Asterios: Oh- oh god! Pause!

00:06:17 Caller 1: I mean seriously this prick is just ins- [Asterios cuts the tape]

[Sriracha laughs]

00:06:22 Asterios: This is terrible!

00:06:24 Sriracha: I was-

00:06:24 Asterios: [interjecting] This is terrible.

00:06:25 Sriracha: There’s two and a half minutes of this. Guys, if you’re gonna call into the show, thirty seconds of acts, alright?

00:06:29 Asterios: [interjecting] Alright new rule-

00:06:30 Sriracha: Thirty seconds.

00:06:31 Asterios: Yeah, also: no one use the “f” slur! Alright, voice mail number two. [Sriracha laughs]

00:06:37 Caller 2: [out of breath] Hey, uh Asterios and Sriracha- [breath] Sriracha. I uh [unintelligible as Sriracha speaks]-

00:06:43 Sriracha: Are you masturbating?

00:06:44 Caller 2: -Asterios Kills a Kid. It’s one of my favourite podcasts and [breath] after um, listening to the newest episode, I actually decided to take Sriracha’s advice and [breath]-

00:06:56 Sriracha: Hell yeah.

00:06:57 Asterios: Nice.

00:06:57 Caller 2: -get my fass at- fat ass out for a walk. I um- I’m a little bit uh, ch- chubby. I’m not extremely overweight but I’m definitely not athletic.

00:07:07 Asterios: Okay. Okay.

00:07:08 Caller 2: I think as [unintelligible] as Sriracha’s advice is, it really does uh- when you hear somebody else tell you that, it really does kind of… I don’t know, put you in the motion I guess. So um…

00:07:20 Asterios: You’re helpin’ this kid!

00:07:21 Caller 2: -yeah thank you guys for all the podcasts. Asterios: hope you fuck over Maddox [Sriracha laughs]. Alright- I love both of you.

00:07:29 Asterios: Awww!

00:07:28 Sriracha: Byeee! Love you too.

00:07:31 Asterios: I love this ki- hey! Okay.

00:07:33 Sriracha: We saved a kid, and you know what? You keep- you keep walkin’- maybe don’t call into the show while you’re literally walking [laughs].

00:07:39 Asterios: No I love that! That’s great, that means he’s taking our advice! Look. Last episode or two episodes ago, Sriracha said, “If you wanna lose weight, just increase your exercise while decreasing your calorie intake!”

00:07:50 Sriracha: Yeah. You- you’re saying that like uh I’m a jack- like that isn’t exactly how you do it. You know, saying it in a stupid voice doesn’t make it not true.

00:07:58 Asterios: No no you’re right, let me say it in a less stupid voice. [in a much stupider voice] “Increase your exercise while decreasing your calorie intake!

00:08:04 Sriracha: [stupid voice] “I’m Asterios and I’m not a pedophile.” See how that sounds?

00:08:08 Asterios: Okay but I am not a… godda- why did you have to start this meme [Srriacha laughs]? Why did you have to do this?

00:08:15 Sriracha: Third voicemail!

00:08:16 Asterios: Third voicemail in three, two, one:

00:08:19 Caller 3: Hey Asterios. Hey Sriracha. This is David Clegg, last name withheld.

00:08:24 Sriracha: Oh fuck you!

00:08:25 Caller 3: Um, the kid advice I need is um… I- I am definitely a kid. I am not a creepy dumb sex pervert adult. And I was just wondering, where are some place where kids can go to hang out… maybe without a lot of parental supervision?

00:08:37 Sriracha: [laughing] -meet other kids-

00:08:39 Caller 3: ‘Cause I just want to go hang out with my fellow kids. You know. Like uh… like, what- what places would you recommend for um-

00:08:45 Asterios: Oh my god…

00:08:47 Caller 3: -a kid like me? Thanks.

00:08:49 Asterios: Okay.

00:08:49 Sriracha: Uh sir, we have a strict “no pedophiles” policy [laughs].

00:08:53 Asterios: Okay. Let’s put aside the fact that that is clearly Mumkey Jones.

00:08:58 Sriracha: I mean uh, what- what are you talking about? Could be a different M- Clegg. Mumkey Jones has a very generic voice. I’m pretty sure that was a real kid.

00:09:06 Asterios: That was Mumkey Jones.

00:09:07 Sriracha: No it wasn’t. His name- he said his name was David. Weren’t you listening?

00:09:11 Asterios: Anyway, I gue- okay. Let’s try to answer this question without- okay. Let- for the sake of argument let’s say this is a David Clegg who is not an admitted pedophile.

00:09:22 Sriracha: He just has- he lost the naming lottery.

00:09:25 Asterios: That is terrible. No there are people named Adolph Hitler out there today.

00:09:28 Sriracha: And who looks up- who’s naming their kid- it’s like, “Ooh I’m gonna look up all the memes on the in- all the people that have ruined their lives through meme-ery to make sure I don’t-” he’s just- he just pulled a bad card.

00:09:38 Asterios: Okay. Okay well, how do we help this ki- okay where can- you know what I like? Friday night magic. I think that’s a cool place to go and hang out with people ‘cause if you’re young and you’re not very cool, you don’t have anything to do on Friday nights, and SNL’s not until s- not on until Saturday night! So, you know go down to your local comic book or card store, play Friday night magic, meet some people, there’s usually like one girl there for every twenty guys. So- but I mean that’s better than- but there’s no girls in your house! And- I dunno, if you were a young teen where would you make friends?

00:10:11 Sriracha: Well uh, first of all I think that your problem is limiting your friend group by age. So what I would recommend: there’s a lot of cool people in this community called “The Dick Show.” What you need to do is find your local Dick Show meetup, and just introduce yourself, say, “Hey! I’m David Clegg, you might have heard of me.” Because they will have because they’re- the Venn diagram between people that listen to this show and people that listen to that show is basically a circle [laughs]. So, just go say, “Hey, I’m David Clegg, you might have heard of me, and I’m looking for someone to fight.” Meaning, with like Pokémon cards or something! Everybody loves Pokémon and Yugioh. You will have a great time, everbody’s gonna want to talk to you, it’s gonna be awesome.

00:10:46 Asterios: Okay I’m actually trying to help kids here [Sriracha laughs].

00:10:49 Sriracha: What are you talkin’ about? That’s genuine advice.

00:10:51 Asterios: Alright, voicemail number four?

00:10:53 Caller 4: [low voice, breathing heavy] Hey uh… so I’m layin’ in bed… [unintelligible as Sriracha and Asterios laugh]

00:10:56 Sriracha: Why are there so many pedophi- people jerking off calling in.

00:10:59 Caller 4: -and also… gotta really take a shit… so… now I just… remain in this… filled with bliss and… [unintelligible]… or should I get up and… go into this cruel world… so I don’t shit my bed? [Sriracha laughs] Really need your help. Thanks.

00:11:24 Asterios: Ah thank you!

00:11:26 Sriracha: Dude I have seriously debated with myself over that.

00:11:28 Asterios: What?!

00:11:29 Sriracha: You’ve never been so comfortable in bed- well usually it’s for piss. For me, like you’re laying in bed, you got a nice cup of tea, or multiple cups of tea, sometimes I bring the whole pot with me, and I sit there, and I’m in my bed on my laptop or reading a book and then suddenly you’re like, “Oh I’ve gotta piss,” but you’re two seconds away from falling asleep and it’s like- you’ve never seriously considered just pissing yourself? [laughs]

00:11:50 Asterios: No, I have. No I definitely have. I remember one time I was super drunk and I couldn’t find a bathroom and I really had to piss- oh I was on the subway platform! It was like 2 in the morning, and I said to myself, “You know what, Asterios, you’ve gotta wash these pants anyway, just piss your pants [Sriracha laughs] you’re not gonna be the only one with piss-pants on the subway at 2am on a Saturday night.”

00:12:12 Sriracha: [interjecting] It’s true you won’t even get looked at in New York City if you piss your pants, it’s the least weird thing going on.

00:12:17 Asterios: Yeah exac- everybody’s got piss-pants! It’s the poo-pants that I wouldn’t do. But you know what, Sriracha I’m absolutely not kidding, I tried and I tried and my body wouldn’t let me piss my pants.

00:12:28 Sriracha: [laughs] That’s probably a good thing.

00:12:28 Asterios: [interjecting] I kept going like, “Three, two, one, release. Three, two, one, aand let it out

00:12:35 Sriracha: Sounds like you weren’t drunk enough. I’ve- I’ve done that, not in my pants but like, you ever be- back in college I would go to like a lot of like house parties, and there’d be like a line for the bathroom and like, “Okay Sriracha, you got two choices here: you can wait in this line, or you can just go out back and piss in the yard,” and it’s like a- it’s a battle between, like I have the devil on my shoulder and the angel, and the angel’s like, “You’re gonna embarrass yourself, just wait in the line, make conversation with the girl,” and the devil’s like, “You need to piss right now you’re gonna piss your pants go piss in the yard.”

00:13:04 Asterios: Okay, I honestly- this is gonna- I don’t know if this is gonna sound terrible but it’s like, I kinda don’t think that’s a huge deal like in a small town at a party house, just like, go piss on the fence or something?

00:13:14 Sriracha: It’s not in a small town, it’s like a- the ba- the, ‘cause I did end up pissing in the yard. And it was right next to a Dunkin’ Donuts and people saw me and yelled at me.

00:13:22 Asterios: Ooh. Okay that’s not good. See I pissed on the Real World house once in Boston ‘cause I had to pee so bad.

00:13:28 Sriracha: You pissed on it or in the yard? Like do y- ‘cause when you say, “I pissed on it,” it sounds like, “Man, fuck you Real World house I’m gonna piss on you!!”

00:13:34 Asterios: No, I mean directly on it. It was like a little tradition that there was in college where it was like you get drunk and piss on the Real World house.

00:13:41 Sriracha: That’s awesome.

00:13:42 Asterios: Um, but uh, but I mean the thing is in New York City there’s no… there’s not even like an alleyway you can go into. Like, anyone who reads a Spider-Man comic and they see like, oh an alleyway and like a mugger’s running down it or like- we don’t have alleyways anymore!

00:13:56 Sriracha: I was gonna say: this is something that I don’t think a lot of people know about New York is that we do not have alleyways.

00:14:01 Asterios: Yeah, because we’ve developed every single square inch of this tiny tiny city. So the thing is you can’t just go piss on the building in New York, you’ll definitely be seen!

00:14:11 Sriracha: Yeah.

00:14:12 Asterios: Well anyway I couldn’t piss my pants. So I- well oh, what’s our advice for this kid? I guess… I mean pooping your bed…

00:14:19 Sriracha: I mean p- yeah pooping your bed is worse than pooping your pants-

00:14:22 Asterios: Yes.

00:14:22 Sriracha: -because then you have to deal with- oh my god you ever try to clean… what do they call it, like a “protector”? Those cotton things?

00:14:28 Asterios: [interjecting] Yeah, mattress cover.

00:14:29 Sriracha: Good fuckin’ luck. No way. Forget that.

00:14:32 Asterios: But! Wait a minute. Remember those hard plastic vinyl mattress covers that they sell to kids who keep peeing the bed? So that it doesn’t ruin the mattress?

00:14:43 Sriracha: Yeah.

00:14:44 Asterios: What if he got two of those?

00:14:46 Sriracha: I feel like this person had- has hit puberty and might not be sleeping in a twin sized bed that they make those for.

00:14:53 Asterios: You can find anything on Amazon!

00:14:55 Sriracha: Fuckin’ true! That’s true!

00:14:57 Asterios: Because the thing is, when you’re old you poop yourself and you can’t take it.

00:15:00 Sriracha: Incontinence. I was just thinkin’ that.

00:15:03 Asterios: Okay, so- so listener who’s clearly not a teenager, next time we have to put out better instructions for this-

00:15:09 Sriracha: [interjecting] Get into diaper play. Is my suggestion.

00:15:13 Asterios: Oh my- that’s brilliant! Just like that astronaut lady who went to go kill that- that- her jealous lover’s uh wife!

00:15:22 Sriracha: I don’t even have a semblance of an idea what you’re talking about.

00:15:25 Asterios: Okay in the 1990’s, there was a lady. She was trained to be an astronaut, she was having an affair, and she wanted to go murder the wife. So- but she had to like drive thirteen hours to do it, so she put on a diaper, ‘cause she was like, “That way, if I poop or pee myself I don’t have to stop to go poo or pee, so-” and it’s like, that’s astro-ingenuity for you!

Transcriber’s Note: Her name is Lisa Nowak.

00:15:49 Sriracha: Why does being an astronaut have anything to do with this?

00:15:51 Asterios: ‘Cause it’s hilarious that an astronaut put on a diaper, and tried to murder someone?

00:15:56 Sriracha: I mean I feel like if I was driving thirteen hours I would factor in like at least one or two rest stops.

00:16:01 Asterios: No. Uh uh. She probably had this thing timed down to the nanosecond, with the same timing that the shuttles are used to find their re-entry window and enter the atmosphere unburnt!

00:16:12 Sriracha: Yeah and you can’t fly. ‘Cause you’re gonna get arrested at the gate.

00:16:17 Asterios: Exactly. Alright. Diaper play. Or, alternate just adult baby play ‘cause you’re clearly an adult.

00:16:24 Sriracha: Isn’t that the same thing?

00:16:25 Asterios: Yes? Alright let’s listen to the next voicemail.

00:16:28 Sriracha: Yeah let’s move on from thi-

00:16:29 Asterios: [interjecting] Alright.

00:16:29 Caller 5: Hey Asterios. Um, I dunno I had a pre-thing beforehand? But I’ll keep doing my message again. [Asterios speaks over the recording but is unintelligible] Uh, it’s me Data.

00:16:38 Sriracha: Hi Data.

00:16:38 Asterios: Data!

00:16:38 Caller 5: Still have to give you a- don’t really have a thing of advice. I’d just like to give a big “thank you.” Thank you very much for the amount of joy and uh, life you bring specifically to The Dick Show but to other shows, guys like Mumkey and all those people like [unintelligible. Asterios also starts talking and is unintelligible during the cross-talk], you know and thanks for bein’ a big, big Greek, Greek god of hope and [unintelligible]

00:16:57 Asterios: Oooh!

00:16:57 Caller 5: We uh- we really enjoy you. I know you don’t always get that but uh we appreciate the stuff you’ve been going through especially with the lawsuit and um, you know that-

00:17:05 Asterios: It has been hard!

00:17:06 Caller 5: -monetary stuff is what you need but um-

00:17:10 Asterios: I do need money!

00:17:10 Caller 5: -all I can give you right now at this point in my life is the um- the jolly “carry on” as you’ve given joy to uh, to millions of others.

00:17:17 Sriracha: Aww.

00:17:18 Asterios: I’ll take it!

00:17:18 Caller 5: Thank you very much and uh, we appreciate you bro.

00:17:20 Asterios: Ohhh.

00:17:21 Sriracha: That was sweet!

00:17:22 Asterios: I like that one. Okay, well I guess all I can say to him is: thank you for caring! You don’t gotta give money. I don’t have money. There’s plenty of artists I like. I can’t afford to donate to their Patreon but like, I dunno, if you like me just share my stuff on twitter and facebook. That’s free.

00:17:37 Sriracha: Yeah!

00:17:38 Asterios: How can people help me Sriracha?

00:17:40 Sriracha: Well follow you on Twitter I guess? Retweet your spicy comments and then get hoarded by conservatives.

00:17:45 Asterios: Yeaahh. Yeah I do stir the pot. Alright, voicemail number 6?

00:17:50 Caller 6: Hello Asterios. First time caller but long time listener.

00:17:53 Sriracha: Hell yeah.

00:17:53 Caller 6: I do have one child and it’s a very important matter. It’s a very… very important question I have to ask you…

00:18:00 Asterios: Let’s help this dad!

00:18:01 Caller 6: So my little man, about 7 years old, um lying in my bed. In the morning, you know. Passed out watching a movie so fell asleep on my bed. Um…

00:18:09 Sriracha: Normal enough so far.

00:18:09 Caller 6: He peed in my bed.

00:18:10 Sriracha: Peed in your bed.

00:18:11 Caller 6: My bed. Not his bed, but mine. Which is fine. It’s an accident. But uh, later on that same morning, uh, he kicked me square in the balls. So after peeing in the bed and kicking me in the balls, my question is: am I still the man of the house or… am I a- am I a beta man now? Uh, my uh- my manhood and livelihood and homelyhood and probably my relationship hinge on this so if you could get back to me and answer on that that should be appreciated buddy. Thank you.

00:18:39 Sriracha: You need to fuck that kid’s mom [Asterios gasps]. That’s the only solution here. You need to- ‘cause right now you’re the bitch-made cuck of the house - you need to fuck that kid’s mom, and then tell that kid how hard you fucked his mom.

00:18:52 Asterios: You need to fuck that kid’s mom, in his bed.

00:18:55 Sriracha: [interjecting] And then piss on it.

00:18:55 Asterios: And go, “WUHWWAAA?? I didn’t know that you’d be coming in he- oh no!”

00:19:00 Sriracha: Then piss on it.

00:19:01 Asterios: And then piss on the bed and then piss on the kid.

00:19:03 Sriracha: You can’t kick your kid in the balls, but you can kick his hopes and dreams in the balls.

00:19:07 Asterios: Sriracha, there’s a reason you’re on this show-

00:19:10 Sriracha: Hell yeah.

00:19:10 Asterios: -and it’s brilliant advice like that. Alright. Well those were our voicemails [Sriracha laughs]. Again: please don’t leave voicemails if you are not a teen-

00:19:21 Sriracha: [interjecting] Guys, thirty seconds, alright? Thirty seconds.

00:19:23 Asterios: [interjecting] Also, thirty seconds. And if you don’t have a kid- or here, if you have a kid, and that kid has a question, or you have a question about how not to fuck up that kid, you- you could do that!

00:19:33 Sriracha: Grab a stop-watch. You probably got one on your phone.

00:19:36 Asterios: Yup.

00:19:36 Sriracha: Thirty seconds from- and from the ringing, thirty- from the beep. Thirty seconds.

00:19:41 Asterios: Yes, agreed.

00:19:42 Sriracha: You don’t need- you don’t start talking and then hit the stopwatch. From the point it says “beep”, then ya start the stopwatch.

00:19:50 Asterios: Also, I’m not kidding, these- this google number goes directly to my phone?

00:19:55 Sriracha: Does it really?

00:19:55 Asterios: So some- so if you call I might pick up and be like, “Hello?” and- and then I dunno, just say hi to me but then call back and leave a thirty second voicemail!

00:20:04 Sriracha: Mike Hawk was me. Could you tell?

00:20:07 Asterios: Wait a minute look- wait- hold on… [Sriracha laughs] should I pull that voicemail up?

00:20:12 Sriracha: Yeah, why don’t you go ahead and read those to the listeners.

00:20:14 “Mike Hawk”: Good afternoon this is uhhh… Mi- Mike Hawk an- my name is Mike Hawk [laughs] and I heard that you were looking to uh pur- purchase illegal drugs so, give me a call back, my number is 911 and I’ll get you hooked up as soon as possible, thank you.

00:20:32 Sriracha: Preface to that: Asterios had put on his twitter account that he was looking to purchase marijuana which is illegal in the state of North Carolina where Mumkey Jones is.

00:20:41 Asterios: It’s not illegal to purchase marijuana, it’s illegal to sell it.

00:20:44 Sriracha: It’s also illegal to own it, so…

00:20:46 Asterios: Yeah but- you know I’m not gonna own it for long! It’s- I’m smokin’ it! If anything, isn’t destroying weed exactly what these people want?

00:20:54 Sriracha: Fuckin’ pot-heads. You always have some little caveat like, “Oh no man, if you hold out a candle and you mail it, and you mail weed in the candle, then it’s actually not illegal because the person who sent it to you coulda not known that they were a candl-” or something like…

00:21:10 Asterios: Well that is exactly how you sell drugs.

00:21:12 Sriracha: “Ooohh, it’s not- no it’s illegal man, to smoke to- it’s not illegal to smoke it, it’s just illegal to have it on your person and to sell it.” [laughs]

00:21:20 Asterios: Yes exactly! Those are very different things! Okay, well let me explain. First off… [Sriracha laughs] thanks so much for prank calling your boyfriend who is desperately in need of marijuana…

00:21:33 Sriracha: What are you talking about, that was Mike Hawk. That wasn’t me. [laughs]

00:21:36 Asterios: That was not Michael Hawk! Anyway, I’m hanging out with Mumkey Jones all weekend, and Ass Burger’s there, Ass Burger’s like, “I’m sober, I’m sober, but I am allowed to drink beer.”

00:21:49 Sriracha: That’s not how sobriety works.

00:21:51 Asterios: [interjecting] That’s not how sobriety works I try to explain to him, but I’m also like, “Well I’m not gonna climb up this guy’s ass, like I’m not his fuckin’ preist. like-”

00:21:59 Sriracha: [interjecting] It’s not like Whole 30 where you get to pick and choose. [laughs]

00:22:03 Asterios: [laughs] Yes exactly! It’s not like counting carbs and uh- but anyway, so he keeps telling racist joke all weekend, like, I’ll only give you the setups like, “What does a black person call their baby,” or- it was- awful things! The worst things I’ve ever heard! And he’s telling so many of them that I just desperately say, on Twitter, “Can someone please bring me weed. I’m gonna need it to deal with Ass Burger all goddamn weekend. I need to be high.” and it’s- so thanks! Thanks for helping your boyfriend out!

00:22:37 Sriracha: I really think you- we should give him a call. And see if he has any illicit substances.

00:22:41 Asterios: [interjecting] Give Michael Hawk a call?

00:22:43 Sriracha: Yeah. Michael C-

00:22:43 Asterios: [interjecting] And what was his phone number again?

00:22:44 Sriracha: Michael C. Hawk. I believe his number was nine one… one.

00:22:48 Asterios: Okay. I’m not calling 911 and asking if Mike Hawk can sell me drugs.

00:22:54 Sriracha: Michael C. Hawk-

00:22:55 Asterios: Goddamn!!

00:22:55 Sriracha: [laughing] -is his… full name…

00:22:57 Asterios: Anyway. I think this is about it for this episode of Asterios Kills a Kid.

00:23:01 Sriracha: What? We didn’t even answer any questions!

00:23:03 Asterios: We a- look, I tried! People didn’t leave us good voicemails!

00:23:07 Sriracha: You don’t have any questions from kids? Let’s do at least one.

00:23:09 Asterios: One?

00:23:09 Sriracha: Yeah.

00:23:10 Asterios: Alright. One question. I know this is from a kid. Okay, this is from Eirik B, it was sent on July 18th, “After summer is done I’m starting 10th grade. Most of my friends are 1 year older than me and therefore are all going to new schools.” He’s spelling his last name with an ‘o’ with a slash through it so I assume he’s in Europe.

00:23:32 Sriracha: Oh okay.

00:23:32 Asterios: So I’m guessing that in tenth g- in tenth grade, in eleventh grade they go to high school or some crap, I don’t know. Or- anyway, “I have some friends in my year but we don’t share many interests. So my question is: How can I make myself enjoy being with my peers even though I don’t share many interests with them?”

00:23:51 Sriracha: Hmm, that’s interesting. That’s a tough one.

00:23:53 Asterios: [interjecting] It’s a good question.

00:23:54 Sriracha: It’s a very good question. That’s the first good listener interaction we’ve had today.

00:23:59 Asterios: Yes exactly.

00:24:00 Sriracha: Though my heart does bleed for that David kid. I really hope he takes my advice.

00:24:03 Asterios: David Clegg?

00:24:04 Sriracha: Yes, that was his name.

00:24:07 Asterios: And your advice was to go to the Dick Show meetups-

00:24:09 Sriracha: [interjecting] Mmm- go to the Dick show, go to a random person, say, “Hi I’m David Clegg, you’ve probably heard of me, do you wanna fight?”

00:24:16 Asterios: How would that make friends?

00:24:18 Sriracha: Because everybody loves Pokémon! It’s like the one connecting thing. Everybody’s played Pokémon. “Do you wanna fight my Pokémon?” but just say, “Do you wanna fight,” because if you say “my Pokémon” it’s like uh when you’re speaking Japanese and you say “Wa-ta-shi-ma.” When you start all your sentences with that it just doesn’t sound natural. Just go up and say, “Hey, do you want to fight?” They’ll know what you’re talkin’ about. Trust me.

00:24:38 Asterios: Anyway, Eirik, this sucks. I was also friends with older kids when I went to high school. Uh, I don’t know why. I- we liked talking about movies and shit? And like, I don’t know, all the kids my age were into like movies and renting cool indie DVDs [Sriracha laughs]. And renting soda berg VHS tapes from the uh- uh Long Island video rental store. I think it was just called “Long Island Video Rental” down the street. I think what you need to do is figure out what they’re into and then fake it. And I- because you’re never gonna convince the- if you don’t share interests already, it means that your interests are nerdy, or different, or edgy, or weird. And it’s like, it’ll take forever. Sriracha’s been trying to convert me to watch anime for two years now. So far I’ve watched two years worth of anime with this girl, I have found two cartoons I’ve liked. If they don’t like the stuff you like they’re not gonna. Wait what was that face.

00:25:37 Sriracha: See I was gonna say go the exact opposite direction and be like, whip your dick out and say, “Hey, I like- you guys heard of this new shit called hentai? Really? Well I’m friends with older kids,” like you remember how you always had that one kid in you friends grou- like, “My older brother says that people put their mouths on your penis when you get older.” You can be that guy! You can be like, “Ah yeah. I mean uh-” what, I mean I assume you’re from Norway if you’ve got the slash, “Ah yeah, eating puffin is cool but uh, all the eleventh graders are eating whale now. So you know, I’ve been really into whale lately.

00:26:12 Asterios: Okay. You’re advice started out terrible. Just terrible. To try to push your hentai on these- on your classmates. But, I like where you’ve ended up.

00:26:24 Sriracha: [laughs] Do ya.

00:26:24 Asterios: Tell them that the new hot American trend is eating whale. Puffin’s out, whale’s in. Start acting super American and super ahead of the curb and- and like uh, whatever you’re into, don’t say you’re into it ‘cause you like it, say, “I don’t even like it that much, but it’s the new trend!”

00:26:41 Sriracha: Yeah. Be li- I was-

00:26:43 Asterios: [interjecting] Anime. Pokémon cards. Dungeons and Dragons.

00:26:47 Sriracha: You gotta frame it like, “Oh man yeah, I mean you guys probably haven’t heard of this yet, just because it’s- I- you know it’s real big with the eleventh graders but here’s what we’re into- oh did I say, ‘we?’ I meant- ‘cause I’m friends with all the eleventh graders and this is kinda what they’re doing now and ‘cause I don’t really hang out with people in tenth grade, this is just what I like to do.

00:27:06 Asterios: I love it. ‘Cause these eleventh graders are not around to verify-

00:27:10 Sriracha: [interjecting] Correct! You can do anything, it doesn’t even have to have to be accurate.

00:27:13 Asterios: I love this. Okay. That’s a good solution. But, if you’re not charismatic or convincing enough to pull of this, “I’m cooler than you” feint - ‘cause after all, these people have known you for ten years now so they may know that you are not into next level, next wave cool international culture…

00:27:35 Sriracha: Sea punk.

00:27:36 Asterios: C-punk?

00:27:37 Sriracha: Sea punk.

00:27:38 Asterios: What is that?

00:27:39 Sriracha: Not into vaporwave anymore Asterios, I’m into sea punk.

00:27:41 Asterios: Do you mean “cyber punk”?

00:27:42 Sriracha: No, I mean S E A P U N K.

00:27:45 Asterios: Oh no, people were into sea punk when I was in college!

00:27:49 Sriracha: Well guess what, it’s comin’ back. It all goes in a circle.

00:27:53 Asterios: Okay. I think, man, if these kids were into sports- ‘cause here’s what I did. Just go to the sports games and shut up, and sit near people, and eat the popcorn- wait! No no no no no-

00:28:05 Sriracha: [interjecting] Did that work for you? That sounds like a terrible afternoon.

00:28:07 Asterios: Eehh it was better than sitting at home alone doing nothing and talking to the computer.

00:28:12 Sriracha: I mean, guys if you want to go to see sports and then not talk to anybody, become a cheerleader because that’s exactly what you do.

00:28:18 Asterios: I didn’t say, “Don’t talk to anybody,” I said, “Go to sports just to talk-”

00:28:21 Sriracha: [interjecting] You said shut up and eat your popcorn.

00:28:24 Asterios: Well yeah- yes at first, but then you know, start conversations. Be part of the group. Conform. I’m tellin’ you right now: conform. Whatever anybody else is doing: do it. And don’t do it harder than them by the way. Do it… a little bit less hard than all of them.

00:28:42 Sriracha: No, I agree with that. I agree with that.

00:28:44 Asterios: Yeah. ‘Cause uh, ‘cause all this shit sucks, like, look, if these kids are into it, I’m sure it sucks. I’m sure it sucks, but uh, but you know, like as an adult sometimes I go to a party to watch like the Kentucky Derby, and it’s like… I’m not interested in horse racing. I’m just interested in seeing my friends. I’m not goin’ over there to be like, “Oh mint juleps and we’ll wear straw hats and oh the Kentucky Derby!” It’s just I- I wanna see people.

00:29:11 Sriracha: I love themed parties like that, it’s so much fun. Even if you have no interest in watching, like remember when we went to that New Years party? That was so fun talking to everybody. I don’t even give a shit about New Year’s Eve.

00:29:21 Asterios: Yeah! Yes exactly, I’m not like some sort of New-Years-Eve-head… a “Ball Boy” as they’re called.

00:29:27 Sriracha: Is that what they’re called?

00:29:28 Asterios: Ball fans! The ball droppers!

00:29:30 Sriracha: Ball friends.

00:29:31 Asterios: Ball fr- I’m not a Ball Buddy! You know? I not a- a- a uh Dick Head, by which I mean a fan of the head of New Years Eve, Dick Clark. R I P.

00:29:42 Sriracha: R I P.

00:29:43 Asterios: But what I’m sayin’ is, you know-

00:29:45 Sriracha: [interjecting] F

00:29:45 Asterios: Somet- F. Pay F for respects to America’s youngest dead teenager. But you know, just y- you gotta fake it ‘til you make it, and I hate to say that. Because in this world, you definitely- I’m sure you’re interests are better than theirs. I’m po- okay first off you’re listening to this great podcast.

00:30:02 Sriracha: Yeah.

00:30:03 Asterios: So already you’ve got taste and they don’t. You gotta dumb yourself down.

00:30:07 Sriracha: That’s what you gotta do. You gotta take this podcast to your school, and be like, “Hey, this is what I’m into. Yeah, it’s a Greek guy and a [laughs] aut- and it’s a- it’s a Greek guy and a girl who’s voice sounds like a cardboard box full of gravel that you dragged down the road talkin’ about kids problems.

00:30:27 Asterios: Thank you for not saying autistic.

00:30:28 Sriracha: I was not using is as a pejorative! I was making fun of myself.

00:30:33 Asterios: I- I’m well- I’m well aware of that, it’s just you know, we have autistic listeners and I- and I-

00:30:39 Sriracha: [interjecting] You got one right here!

00:30:40 Asterios: Okay! Look, we’re both on the spectrum. We gotta take a test and see who is higher on the autism spectrum-

00:30:47 Sriracha: Guys, I want you to vote on patreon.com/asterios, who is higher on the-

00:30:51 Asterios: [interjecting] We’re not putting that- we’re not putting that up.

00:30:52 Sriracha: Fair enough. But I did stop myself. Do I get points for at least trying?

00:30:54 Asterios: I- I’m d- I’m literally saying I think that’s cool. Thank y- ‘cause it’s like, I don’t want people to think that their condition is a pejorative. I know that makes me a bleeding heart. Like I know that’s not cool or funny to say. But-

00:31:07 Sriracha: [interjecting] Nah, it’s still pretty funny.

00:31:08 Asterios: Okay- goddamn- yeah you and your fuckin’- why don’t you go listen to South Park you goddamn edgelord.

00:31:13 Sriracha: South Park? What year is it-

00:31:15 Asterios: [interjecting] I DON’T KNOW!

00:31:15 Sriracha: -that you said South Park is edgy? What?

00:31:18 Asterios: I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S EDGY! I DON’T KNOW!! Anyway-

00:31:21 Sriracha: [interjecting] No we’re into vore now.

00:31:23 Asterios: What?

00:31:23 Sriracha: We’re into mpreg.

00:31:25 Asterios: I’m stoppin’ the podcast.

00:31:27 Sriracha: [interjecting] We’re into unbirthing.

00:31:29 Asterios: I’m stopping the podcast before I learn what those three things are [Sriracha laughs]. I hate the things you teach me. I hate them. I was listing to that episode of Thought Cops you were on.

Transcriber’s Note: Here’s the episode: player.fm/series/thought-cops-2362292/thought-cops-episode-77

00:31:40 Sriracha: Yeah.

00:31:41 Asterios: And they were just like, “We love it when you explain to Asterios about all of the creepy terrible Internet stuff you’re into. I don’t love it! I can’t get these things out of my head.

00:31:50 Sriracha: I’m not into it, I’m just aware of it.

00:31:53 Asterios: I’m not out there looking for what ddlg is.

00:31:55 Sriracha: You wanna read some NTR? You wanna read “Emergence”?

00:31:59 Asterios: Okay- no- no- no no no. Let’s stop on that one. This is the one you’ll get this episode: what is NTR?

00:32:06 Sriracha: Aw, it is a- this is actually pretty mild actually. It stands for “netorare” which is like Japanese for cuckolding. It’s like uh, getting your- it’s- it’s mango that makes your heart break. Like, girl walks in on her fiance cheating and I guess people get off to that [laughs].

00:32:23 Asterios: What? So, people-

00:32:25 Sriracha: [interjecting] And if you get NTR’d it- it basically means you got cucked. It’s not gross or weird, not everything is gross or weird.

00:32:31 Asterios: No, but it just kinda makes me sad that in the Japanese culture like, a part of them expects to be disappointed in romance, so there’s a genre that helps people connect with that omnipresent- ever-present feeling.

00:32:49 Sriracha: Asterios, it’s a genre of porn. People like to lick feet too, that’s not sad. It’s weird but it’s not sad.

00:32:56 Asterios: No that’s not sad. No that’s- look, I dunno, I’m just sayin’: if I’m gonna go to a store and spend 500 yen on a comic book where a- where a girl gets cheated on, I- I feel bad. I feel bad.

00:33:08 Sriracha: I’m kind of proud of you for knowing the correct price of comic boo- like-

00:33:10 Asterios: [interjecting] Wait is it 500 yen?

00:33:12 Sriracha: That’s a very accurate conversion [laughs].

00:33:15 Asterios: Oh my god! Okay. On the only victory I’ve had on this episode, I’m gonna stop. Thank you for listening to Asterios Kills a Kid. It is brought to you as always, by patreon.com/asterios. If you wanna get episodes early, four days early, or- and if you wanna get bonus episodes, content that other people don’t get, you can- just for a dollar you get that stuff. A dollar a month.

00:33:39 Sriracha: It’s just a dollar. You can find a dollar in your couch.

00:33:41 Asterios: Yeah, exactly! And- but look, if you’re also dirt poor like I am and you can’t even afford a dollar, if you wanna help the show, an easy way to do it is to subscribe to me on uh- on uh Twitch. twitch.tv/asterioskokkinos if you, or your mom, or your wife [Sriracha laughs] has uh- has um Amazon Prime, you can subscribe to me for free with Amazon Prime, and then I get… like $5 a month and you don’t gotta pay anything.

00:34:10 Sriracha: Sounds like you’re lookin’ to NTR people. Why him, his wife or his girlfr- or his mom?

00:34:15 Asterios: I’m not looking to NTR p- I’m just saying it’s possible that our listeners aren’t spending $100 a month on Amazon Prime but I know a lot of women do.

00:34:24 Sriracha: Amazon Prime’s $100 a month?

00:34:25 Asterios: I think it’s $120 now.

00:34:27 Sriracha: Holy hell.

00:34:28 Asterios: Yeah, every year they’re just like, [nasally] “We have to raise the price of Amazon Prime” and it’s like, you are a billionaire. One time I read an interview with Jeff Bezos where he was like, “At some point you have so much money that you’re not sure what to do with it, so I’m tryin’ to terraform planets.” [Sriracha laughs] It’s like, how ‘bout you bring the price of Amazon Prime down a little bit?

00:34:45 Sriracha: Have you ever seen that meme that’s like uh, Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk get together, and they were like uh, “Mark Zuckerberg challenged me to plan the most fun day he ever could. So what I did is I flew in Journey, and I bought a bunch of water jet-packs, and I got squirt guns, and we were gonna have a fight on the water while “Don’t Stop Believing” played in the background. And Mark Zuckerberg said, ‘Hey, that’s a lot of fun, but I have something much more fun.’ then whe- he led me to an alleyway and behind there was a waiter no- no- no older than nineteen, and he said, ‘I offered to pay this guy’s student loans and in return he’ll let us beat the shit out of him until he’s almost dead.’” [laughs] Have you never seen that?

00:35:26 Asterios: No but… can you stop touching the- enigma’s cane with your foot?

00:35:31 Sriracha: Whyyy?

00:35:32 Asterios: It’s gross!

00:35:33 Sriracha: I’m sorry.

00:35:34 Asterios: Okay. Anyway. I love you. I’m sorry I yelled at you for touching the enigma’s cane with your foot.

00:35:40 Sriracha: You’re really picky on me- pickin’ on me today.

00:35:42 Asterios: I’m not- I’m sorry. I am sor- I’m tryin’ to do a po- listeners, I’m tryin’ to do a podcast and Sriracha just keeps swatting the e- this toy cane I have with her gross toes.

00:35:53 Sriracha: My toes are not gross. They’re normal.

00:35:55 Asterios: No you did just take a shower. Alright.

00:35:57 Sriracha: Yeah.

00:35:57 Asterios: I am picking on you and I’m sorry.

00:35:58 Sriracha: That’s okay I forgive you.

00:36:00 Asterios: I love you very much.

00:36:00 Sriracha: I love you too.

00:36:01 Asterios: Okay. Let’s cut the end- let’s cut that out. I don’t want- alright enough about Sriracha’s feet.

00:36:06 Sriracha: [laughs] Hey you guys wanna hear more about my feet? Head on over to patreon.com/asterios. That’s the $5 level though.

00:36:12 Asterios: NO!

00:36:12 Sriracha: You pervs, [unintelligible] $5 level.

00:36:15 Asterios: NO!

00:36:16 Sriracha: There’s a fantastic website called wikifeetia [laughs], and it’s like, celebrity toes? And it’s the most supportive wiki I have ever seen. Like people just in the comments talkin’ about- they call Katharine McPhee - that chick from American Idol - Katharine McFeet. [laughs]

00:36:31 Asterios: I asked you not- I said I didn’t wanna learn anything today.

00:36:35 Sriracha: Ooh I’m sorry.

00:36:36 Asterios: I said I didn’t wanna lea- these things are stuck in my head forever!

00:36:40 Sriracha: I’m sorry, am I like the- when the math teacher goes to fast? Like, “Wait, shit, I can’t- I still can’t do the parable [laughs]. Go back two chapters!”

00:36:48 Asterios: No, because I understand everything you’re saying perfectly. I just don’t want to. I don’t want it in my head. It never leaves my head. Katharine McFeet.

00:36:59 Sriracha: Asterios McKokkifeet. [laughs] I don’t know. I don’t know. Give me- give me the next episode, I’ll come up with a good foot pun for you.

00:37:06 Asterios: [defeated] Asterios Kokki-toes. [Sriracha laughs] I’ll talk to you later, goodbye listeners.

[Bye Bye Birdie’s “Kids” plays again, fading out as the podcast ends.]