Asterios Kills a Kid | Transcript for Episode 5: Big. Soft. Cushiony.

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Transcript for Episode 5: Big. Soft. Cushiony.

July 18, 2018

[Bye Bye Birdie’s “Kids” plays, starting loud, then fading.]

00:00:12 Asterios: Welcome to Asterios Kills a Kid, the kid’s advice podcast hosted by broken people. I’m your host, Asterios Kokkinos, with me is Sriracha.

00:00:22 Sriracha: Hey there.

00:00:23 Asterios: This is episode five I think… Srirancha? I feel like we’ve helped some kids. What do you think?

00:00:30 Sriracha: I believe we have too.

00:00:31 Asterios: Okay- I can’t name any of them.

00:00:33 Sriracha: No me neither, ‘cause they have stupid names like “Fart Face” and “Goth Muffin”

00:00:38 Asterios: There’s a kid that wrote a question today named PGAY.

00:00:42 Sriracha: I met that kid.

00:00:44 Asterios: I did too! Oh my god, I didn’t put that together ‘til just now. We met him- we had a listener meet-up in Morristown New Jersey, he’s like 15, and he’s like, “I wanna go to the meet-up, so I asked my mom to drive me, and my mom-” and his mom called the bar and was like, “I’m bringin’ my kid, don’t make problems.” And they were like, “Yes ma’am!” And so we’re in this bar with this 15 year old kid all doin’ shots and stuff.

00:01:12 Sriracha: Yeah, oh man I got so high in the bathroom.

00:01:15 Asterios: You guys smoked in the bathroom?

00:01:17 Sriracha: Yeah, she had one of those… vape pens? Or something? Dude I don’t know what kinda spicy weed was in there but it was… spiceroo. And by that I mean I was blazed out of my miind.

00:01:31 Asterios: Those- the pens I don’t fuck with the pen. There’s something about the pen- okay, so many times a drug dealer has been like, “Would you like to buy a weed pen?” And I’m just like, “I- no it’s all-” ‘cause all I would do is like: I would go to the movie theatre all day and just hit that pen. Those things like- they have this- they have like a cartridge that has like a hundred and eighty hits of weed in it? And it’s like just two of them like really screws me up. I- because the thing about like a pipe or a bong or a joint or whatever is it’s like: well you can’t smoke that everywhere, so you kinda have to like get high and then go do your business. But with those pens you can just be high all the time.

00:02:13 Sriracha: You can be high in public which is dangerous.

00:02:15 Asterios: WE- that’s the thing, ‘cause it’s like, “I’m just an e-cigarette boy. This is n-” ‘cause it doesn’t smell like weed.

00:02:22 Sriracha: Yeah. Yeah you know I’m relatively new to degeneracy so this is all- I don’t have anything to add here because you’re right you gotta take ya paraphernalia you can’t just light up a bowl in the middle of the road. [laughs]

00:02:35 Asterios: If I- look. If I bought you- would you want a pe- like I could buy you a pen. Do you wanna pen?

00:02:39 Sriracha: [interjecting] Oh absolutely I would want a pen.

00:02:41 Asterios: Really?

00:02:42 Sriracha: Because I can use drugs responsibly unlike other people-

00:02:45 Asterios: [interjecting] No.

00:02:45 Sriracha: -in this room.

00:02:45 Asterios: I definitely ca- okay hold on. I’m gonna text my dealer right now and be like, “You up?”

00:02:50 Sriracha: Not today. I don’t need a pen today.

00:02:52 Asterios: Okay well then I won’t get you one.

00:02:54 Sriracha: Well I would love one for my birthday how about that?

00:02:57 Asterios: Okay I already bought you two birthday presents.

00:03:00 Sriracha: Okay.

00:03:01 Asterios: Look- I’m not actually- I was kinda ju- I just wanted to brag about the presents I got you- I’m not actually… I’m not…

00:03:06 Sriracha: [interjecting] They were great presents. Kylie Jenner lip kits, I love them.

00:03:09 Asterios: I got Kylie J- Kylie Jenner lip kits were on sale, so I sent her some money and I was like, “Buy as many lip kits as you can get with this money.”

00:03:18 Sriracha: Oh and I did buddy.

00:03:20 Asterios: W- can you tell us the flavors or col- ‘cause they all have dumb names.

00:03:23 Sriracha: Oh dude I don’t remember it’s like, “Party Girl,” “Leo,” “Kylie’s Sweet Pucker-” oh wait no I told myself I wasn’t gonna swear this episode. I swear way too much on these podcasts.

00:03:33 Asterios: I genui- I don’t know why you’ve got it in your head that-

00:03:35 Sriracha: [interjecting] I’m gonna do this- I’m gonna say this once, and then it’s gonna be out, just because I have to use it as a example. I was listening to the last episode of I don’t remember- I think it was Asterios Kills a Kid and it- ah it was just like a torrent of “FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUck fuck fu-” it’s not very classy. It’s not who I am, I’m a lover not a fighter.

00:03:55 Asterios: [interjecting] Baby-

00:03:56 Sriracha: I’m not angry.

00:03:56 Asterios: -classiness comes from within. Like, you can’t fake class. I bet- I bet G- I bet the Kennedys swore all the goddamn time, but they were classy.

00:04:08 Sriracha: But did they get high in the bathroom at a bar in New Jersey?

00:04:10 Asterios: Yyyyou know they did! You know the Kennedys were like [Kennedy impression] “Mah, uh, pass me that uh, big ol’ blunt. I’m uh gonna cheat on my wife hahaa-”

00:04:18 Sriracha: [interjecting] Are the Kennedys British?

00:04:19 Asterios: [defeated] Why does everybody say all my impressions sound British.

00:04:23 Sriracha: [laughs] What in the-

00:04:24 Asterios: [interjecting] I remember this one time I was on a TV show, I got cast on a TV show- I was also working on the show as an editor so like they just needed an extra actor, and they were like, “Do your B- do a southern accent,” and I was on stage and I was dressed up like a hillbilly and I started to do a southern accent and everybody just kept going, “Is that British? Why are you doing it British? Are you doing it British as a joke?” and I got so in my head that they cut the part. And I was like live there on stage, and I was looking at the teleprompter and all of a sudden they deleted all of my lines. [laughs]

00:04:59 Sriracha: Oh my god.

00:04:59 Asterios: Like literally deleted my lines from the teleprompter.

00:05:02 Sriracha: That’s so embarrassing. When I worked at um, WhackDonalds uh- [laughs]

00:05:07 Asterios: Uh huh? Mhmm?

00:05:08 Sriracha: Unnamed fast-food restaurant WhackDonalds.

00:05:11 Asterios: Mhmm?

00:05:11 Sriracha: We used to do this thing where we would pretend to do accents through the drive-through? I wonder if I could still do any accents.

00:05:18 Asterios: That’s hot. [Scottish accent] “Can ya do a Sco’ish accent?”

00:05:22 Sriracha: [Scottish accent] “Ah actually know a girl who’s datin’ a Sco’ish guy, and the key to spea’in Sco’ish is ya got-” no. Can’t- not at all.

00:05:30 Asterios: It was good until you lost your confidence.

00:05:33 Sriracha: I [Scottish accent] “Oohm’ accents slippin’”

00:05:35 Asterios: [Scottish accent] “Eeeuh, m’ acc- eh- uh” The- the key to a Scottish accent is just to remove the middle of a ‘rd. Like-

00:05:44 Sriracha: [interjecting] I love Scottish slang.

00:05:46 Asterios: Such as?

00:05:47 Sriracha: The way that Scottish people speak, to me - a lot of people really don’t like it - I think it’s very very funny and charming.

00:05:56 Asterios: Okay.

00:05:57 Sriracha: ‘cause Scottish people have a very distinct way of- not just speaking, but also typing? [laughing] On twitter? If you could find some Scottish users on Twitter? I highly recomme-

00:06:10 Asterios: [interjecting] There’ a reddit called like, “Scottish people tweets.”

00:06:13 Sriracha: Yeah, it’s very similar in- to Jamaican, in that it’s technically English? [laughs]

00:06:19 Asterios: Yeaaahh…

00:06:20 Sriracha: But in the absolute loosest sense of the word. Like, [Scottish accent] “No tae-” [laughs] Like, “Ah- am no a fokin’” [laughs] Like they type like they talk?”

00:06:31 Asterios: I know-

00:06:31 Sriracha: [Scottish accent] “Am no a fokin’- why ma m- [laughs]- me mum come in me baffroom and tell me am usin’ too much toilet paper. Aight mum I’m no a fuckin- I’m no a fuckin’ scag a’ll leab a asshole caked in shite [laughs] to save ya fifty pence on toilet paper.” [laughs]

00:06:49 Asterios: You- you came up with that so fast that that has to be a real Scottish tweet!

00:06:54 Sriracha: It is.

00:06:54 Asterios: OH MY GOD. [Sriracha laughs] Alright, well listen, PGAY sent us a letter - that adorable kid - lot of people sent us some letters. Let’s get to it, whadda ya say?

00:07:04 Sriracha: Yeah let’s do it!

00:07:05 Asterios: Alright. First letter- first lett- actually, let’s start with PGAY’s: “Me and my Dad were Gonna watch GoodFellas but he had bought the DVD about 10 years earlier from a Thrift Store and it only contained half the Movie. How do I track down the People who sold my Dad this Shity Disc. Advice much Appreciated” PGAY, 15 years old and adorable, when we saw him that kid was so cute.

00:07:33 Sriracha: He was also- has a very cool mom, so you’re already ahead in life. Dude, that just brought me back to a horrible mem- like you ever have somebody tell you something or you smell something and it just brings you back to a memory?

00:07:47 Asterios: Yes, every time I drink vodka.

00:07:49 Sriracha: [laughs] Throwback. Call-back. Is that what that’s called?

00:07:52 Asterios: Yeah.

00:07:52 Sriracha: Callback. Good one.

00:07:53 Asterios: Yeah, thanks.

00:07:55 Sriracha: When I was a child, my- my favorite thing to do on the weekends was go yardsailing, with my parents. And at one point, we went to a yard sale, and they were selling “vee-haitch-ess” tapes?

00:08:10 Asterios: Mhmm.

00:08:10 Sriracha: Because that’s- that was the year it was.

00:08:14 Asterios: Yes!

00:08:14 Sriracha: Nobody was really sellin’ DVDs ‘cause they were in pretty high demand.

00:08:17 Asterios: Yeah!

00:08:17 Sriracha: But VHS tapes you could get dime a dozen.

00:08:20 Asterios: Yeah.

00:08:21 Sriracha: So we showed up at a yard sale and they had the holy grail of VHS tapes which is Pokémon. They had episodes of Pokémon? And like every tape would come with four episodes of Pokémon on it? We used to- and we were like, “Heck yes, we hit the jackpot here,” because you used to go to- my second favorite thing to do as a child was go to Blockbuster Video, and pick out a movie?

00:08:44 Asterios: Yeah.

00:08:45 Sriracha: And our parents would let us get Snackers from the dollar store that was next to the blockbuster video. And it was just a bangin’ ass- I mean it was a very exciting Friday or Saturday night, in the early 2000’s. Anyways, we picked up these VHS tapes not thinking. Bought them. Brought ‘em home. They were not Pokémon. They were all “The Parent Trap.” [laughs] We bought four copies of “The Parent Trap.” I cried.

00:09:14 Asterios: As you should. As you should.

00:09:16 Sriracha: I was like, six years old.

00:09:18 Asterios: Who… look, it’d be one thing if you bought them from a Blockbuster video. So this means a household had multiple copies of “The Parent Trap.” So this household must have had like twenty copies of the parent trap if you bought four of them.

00:09:31 Sriracha: [interjecting] It was actually terrifying. It makes me think that whoever was living there was some kind of p- pedophile?

00:09:35 Asterios: Oooohh-

00:09:36 Sriracha: [interjecting] And was very much into Lindsay Lohan as a child?

00:09:39 Asterios: [interjecting] Oh n-

00:09:40 Sriracha: [interjecting] Multiple Lindsay Lohans.

00:09:41 Asterios: Yes.

00:09:41 Sriracha: In a fantasy of- I’ve thought about this a lot. I imagine this: some man, sitting in his basement with like seven TVs, stacked one on top of each other all playing… “The Parent Trap” and-

00:09:53 Asterios: [interjecting] So he could have fourteen Lohans?

00:09:54 Sriracha: [interjecting] -violently masturbating. [laughs]

00:09:56 Asterios: Yeah, there’s- you know, w- people always use the phrase, “violently masturbating (to fourteen Lindsay Lohans).” Nobody ever says like, “joyfully masturbating!” You know what I mean? It’s like a fun time!

00:10:08 Sriracha: How would you describe your masturbation- I would say violent is pretty accurate. [laughs]

00:10:12 Asterios: Wait, do y- you’re saying you violently masturbate? Really?

00:10:16 Sriracha: Yes.

00:10:16 Asterios: Okay. I th- I try to take my body on a sen- I try to take a sensual tour… an erotic tour of my body.

00:10:27 Sriracha: Mm- strong disagree because I see it as a pain in the a- as a pain in the butt. [laughs]

00:10:30 Asterios: Yeah I- yeah girls are so- you guys are so weird about it you’re just like, “UUuuuh I gotta get this over with.”

00:10:36 Sriracha: Yeah because it takes me thirty seconds.

00:10:38 Asterios: Yeah good for you.

00:10:39 Sriracha: “Uh fine, alright. Whatever.”

00:10:41 Asterios: Yeah. It’s awesome. Glad. It takes me a long time. Long time. Sometimes I- sometimes… can’t get home. Sometimes I get lost on the way home.

00:10:51 Sriracha: That’s really depressing.

00:10:52 Asterios: And I just gotta go back to work if you know what I mean.

00:10:54 Sriracha: That’s really sad. How do you get anything done?

00:10:56 Asterios: Sometimes the plane just circles, and it never lands.

00:10:59 Sriracha: [laughs] How do you get anything done?

00:11:01 Asterios: You gotta- you gotta have a little folder- you gotta have a little doc, on your phone, with links to like some guaranteed hits.

00:11:09 Sriracha: Oh yeah I got that. [Asterios gasps] I got that.

00:11:11 Asterios: Wait really you do?

00:11:12 Sriracha: Yeah it’s all to- not videos but… written… I’m into- that’s what I’m in to.

00:11:17 Asterios: Yeah, you’re into the stories?

00:11:18 Sriracha: Yeah, I’ve said this before. I don’t mind saying this. I’m a very open person.

00:11:21 Asterios: Clearly you don’t, that’s why you looked left, and then right, and then said it.

00:11:26 Sriracha: I didn’t s- do that.

00:11:27 Asterios: Yes you did.

00:11:27 Sriracha: I’ve been starin’ you straight in your- yaah- I was about to say something racist.

00:11:32 Asterios: Yeah I can tell you were, you little drunkard.

00:11:34 Sriracha: I’m not drunk I’m just thinking about what I’m saying because I [unintelligible as Asterios interjects].

00:11:37 Asterios: [interjecting] You were literally about to say, “Straight into your Chinese eyes.” You were literally about to say that.

00:11:41 Sriracha: [interjecting] Well with- a little more clever than that but [laughs]

00:11:43 Asterios: Oh- okay you know what? I give you a racism pass. What were you gonna say?

00:11:48 Sriracha: It doesn’t work.

00:11:49 Asterios: I’m- whatever you were gonna say was clearly gonna be racist about me, so I’m givin’ you a pass.

00:11:54 Sriracha: Nope. Movin’ on. Not sayin’ it.

00:11:56 Asterios: [defeated] Alright Sriracha. Alright so how do we help PGAY? Because look, this is a problem. A long-ass time ago this shit did happen. I remember it when I would buy DVDs for long movies it would have two of them. Like it would be a gate fold thing- be like one in the left and one in the right, you know uh-

00:12:13 Sriracha: [interjecting] Titanic did that.

00:12:15 Asterios: Yeah! Titanic did that, the godfather part two was like three and a half hour fuckin’ movie. Especially if you’re gonna buy it on DVD it’s probably the director’s cut or whatever it’s even longer blablablablablah. So this guy’s- this guy needs to find part two of Goodfellas, on DVD.

00:12:30 Sriracha: Well PGAY, I would say… the difference in how you proceed here depends on if your motivation is, “Seeing the Godfather part 2” or “getting your revenge.”

00:12:39 Asterios: No g- I mean come on. Look, l- anybody can just be like, [dumb voice] “Mrah, Google Goodfellas and watch it on Netflix.” No no no, revenge. This guy; they gotta find the thrift store where they bought this.

00:12:50 Sriracha: Kay here’s what you do: here’s the plan.

00:12:52 Asterios: [talking over] Okay. I listen.

00:12:53 Sriracha: You find your hottest friend. [Asterios gasps] Who’s over the age of eighteen and also female. [laughs]

00:12:57 Asterios: Okay.

00:12:58 Sriracha: And you get her to get completely naked. And put the copy of the Godfather in front… of her privates, and take a photo and put it up on Craigslist. Every Craigslist you can find. I’m sure there are spam bots that can do this for you; they’re getting very sophisticated.

00:13:15 Asterios: Yeah.

00:13:15 Sriracha: They can bypass uh captcha now I believe.

00:13:18 Asterios: That’s exactly right.

00:13:19 Sriracha: Remember when 4chan had that flood of spam bots?

00:13:22 Asterios: No, I don’t. Because I- unlike you I was never a “channer”.

00:13:28 Sriracha: That’s disgusting that you even know that word.

00:13:30 Asterios: Is that the word?

00:13:31 Sriracha: Y- I think it’s what a-

00:13:34 Asterios: [interjecting] Well what do you guys called “Shamrock Heads?” What- what do you guys call it?

00:13:37 Sriracha: We don’t call it anything because we’re not “normal folks.”

00:13:40 Asterios: If this were Science Friction I would give you tickets right now for saying “normal folks” [laughs].

00:13:45 Sriracha: I’m doing really well, I don’t think I’ve sworn, intentionally.

00:13:49 Asterios: No, you’ve done very very well.

00:13:50 Sriracha: Since I said that.

00:13:51 Asterios: You- look, you were headed towards “Racism Row,” but you managed to pull off at the last second even with a pass. With a precious racism hall pass.

00:14:01 Sriracha: Yeah, no the only reason I didn’t e- and the only reason it got caught in the filter was because you chose to press it. If you didn’t you woulda just let me roll on through and I think I could have made it past that bridge.

00:14:12 Asterios: Yeah, well. Better luck next time.

00:14:14 Sriracha: Anyways like I was saying, you spam that on every Craigslist possible, and you hell- I mean “heck” [laughs] oh wait is that a swear? I feel like it is.

00:14:22 Asterios: No, it’s in the bible! It’s not a swear.

00:14:25 Sriracha: Heck! [laughs] Take that picture and put it in the “missed connections” section of everywhere. And you say, “X years ago, I bought this DVD from you. I’m looking for my other half. If you have it, send me a message.” and then you rooob the… fizzity yuck outta that guy. When he shows up at your house. Surprise! There’s no sexy fifteen year old here, it’s just a sexy end-of-a-barrel-of-a-gun.

00:14:52 Asterios: Okay uh, you know what? I wasn’t counting on the fact that you were putting kiddie porn out there into the world.

00:14:58 Sriracha: Oh wait no I said she was eighteen!

00:15:00 Asterios: You- you did, but then you just said she was fifteen, and I’m sorry: last thought. First thought.

00:15:05 Sriracha: [interjecting] Okay maybe- maybe she’s one of those-

00:15:07 Asterios: [interjecting] Have a seat. Why don’t you have a seat? Why don’t you have a seat?

00:15:11 Sriracha: Well can- uh- oo- ah- eh- I’m on the stand here can you at least finish your cross-examination?

00:15:16 Asterios: Noo, it’s just- it’s so rare that I get to call you a pedo. Ha- like literally all day she’s callin’ me a pedo, but if there isn’t-

00:15:22 Sriracha: [interjecting] I’ve never called you a pedo.

00:15:24 Asterios: You’ve literally asked me to ha- you know where I learned, have a sea- “have a seat?” From you.

00:15:28 Sriracha: That’s because I watched every every episode of “To Catch a Predator” multiple times. But you won’t watch with me. ‘Cause it makes you sad, ‘cause he feels bad for the pedos ‘cause he is a pedo. [laughs]

00:15:36 Asterios: Okay. A) You just proved my point. [Sriracha laughs] B) I’m not- look. If they didn’t televise it, I would think it was the greatest thing in the world. But they’re kinda like, [sleezy voice] “Ooh yeah, let’s catch these pedos. Absolutely-”

00:15:55 Sriracha: [interjecting] Oh yeah what a horrible thing. Let’s catch pedos.

00:15:57 Asterios: [interjecting in sleezy voice] “We’re gonna- we’re gonna catch these pedos, brought to you by McDonalds, I’m lovin’ it, and Bowing.” It’s like, what they’re doing is…

00:16:06 Sriracha: Oh man that makes my Libertarian dick harder- harder than diamonds. [laughs]

00:16:10 Asterios: Okay I can absolutely tell. I can- I just saw your dick turn into a- a g- the apple in Scrooge McDuck’s eye. Uh, it- ‘cause they- ‘cause they’re just like, “We put these sick pedos away,” and it’s like yeah, and you’re sellin’ commercials. Like, you’re not doing it ‘cause you hate pedos, you’re doing it because-

00:16:26 Sriracha: [interjecting] Sooo?

00:16:28 Asterios: I just-

00:16:28 Sriracha: [interjecting] Who cares? You know they have commercials on the Olympics too, right? Do you think that’s for the good of the sport and connecting North Korea to the rest of the world?

00:16:36 Asterios: Just admit that you wanna see a bunch of sickos get carried out in handcuffs. It’s like, it is-

00:16:42 Sriracha: [interjecting] Yes! That’s why everyone watches the show!

00:16:45 Asterios: Absolutely. Well then as long as you’re admitting that you’re watching like, a modern day side-show. Like, if it were the eighteen hundreds-

00:16:52 Sriracha: [in the background, slowly] A modern day side-show?

00:16:53 Asterios: -you would also be throwing- you would also be throwing tomatoes at a midget-

00:16:58 Sriracha: [interjecting] At pedophiles? Yeah. I would.

00:17:00 Asterios: I don’t like how- I don’t like- [sighs] there’s really no way to win this one is there?

00:17:05 Sriracha: No you can’t, because I can go all day on this show. It’s America’s greatest invention, and the fact that it was cancelled after only five seasons is akin to “Firefly”. The tragedy of “Firefly” and “Freaks and Geeks.” It was way before it’s time, it was a work of art, and I’ve seen every episode multiple times.

00:17:25 Asterios: Uhh, you know I was- it was cancelled because-

00:17:28 Sriracha: [interjecting] - a guy killed himself.

00:17:30 Asterios: No. That’s not why it was cancelled.

00:17:31 Sriracha: Oh, why was it cancelled?

00:17:33 Asterios: Fuh, you think it- you think NBC’s gonna let one pedophile killing himself stop them from making money? No. People got tired of it, people like got tired- people were like, “Uuhhh, like another- another guy thinks he’s talkin’ to a fifteen year old and… brought over a sixer, and she’s like, ‘I’m just gonna go upstairs’ and then Chris Hansen comes out.” And then, like NBC got bored of it, but like they couldn’t just cancel it, because they would have had to pay a bunch of money? Uh, they woulda like had to pay out the rest of Chris Hansen’s contract? So, a private detective found out that Chris Hansen was cheating on his wife, and they were like [mock disappointment] “Chris Hansen, we are executing a morals clause in your contract.”

00:18:16 Sriracha: [interjecting] Hilarious! Also hilarious.

00:18:18 Asterios: [continuing] “- and we are- and we are cancelling the show because we can’t have somebody of low moral character entrapping pedophiles.”

00:18:27 Sriracha: That doesn’t make any… darn sense because they tried to bring it back, and they also brought Chris Hansen back. And it was not good. It was called “Hansen vs. Predator” and it premiered… I think last year? I wanna say last year and there was a lot of- [unintelligible]

00:18:40 Asterios: [interjecting] Yes but not on NBC.

00:18:41 Sriracha: Not on NBC?

00:18:43 Asterios: No, here I’ll Google- I’ll Google it right now.

00:18:44 Sriracha: Google it right now.

00:18:45 Asterios: That was something that Hansen tried to start on his own.

00:18:48 Sriracha: That’s why it wasn’t as good-

00:18:49 Asterios: [in background] Yes!

00:18:49 Sriracha: -because it was very hammy.

00:18:50 Asterios: Yes, exac- okay good as long as we agree. Yeah! Exactly.

00:18:54 Sriracha: Hansen vs. - have you seen it? It’s not good at all.

00:18:56 Asterios: No I haven’t seen Hansen v- look I’m not gonna watch… I don’t want to watch like justice meted out by Dateline in order to get like, seventy-year-old bored grandmas like- like fuckin’ watchin’ this over their TV dinners.

00:19:11 Sriracha: It’s not just the arrest. It’s the fact that it deterred so many other people from trying to prey on underage people in chat rooms.

00:19:22 Asterios: [incredulous] Yes, I’m sure that pedoph- I’m sure-

00:19:25 Sriracha: [interjecting] You think, you seriously think that if th-

00:19:26 Asterios: [interjecting] I’m sure that pedophiles saw a TV show and were like, “Well, I’m no longer a pedophile then, because I might get caught.” Yeah, you don’t think that pedophiles know they might get caught? They’re pedophiles! They’re crazy! They’re gonna keep going for it, ‘cause they’re pedophiles.

00:19:42 Sriracha: [laughs] See, there’s a discrepancy here-

00:19:44 Asterios: I listen.

00:19:45 Sriracha: -between you and me. And it’s: you think that I think that all pedoph- [looking for words]

00:19:50 Asterios: Look, not- how about this. Can we stipulate to the fact that neither of us like pedophiles? [laughs]

00:19:55 Sriracha: I don’t know you seem pretty defensive of pedophiles Digibro.

00:19:58 Asterios: [laughing] Godamn it nooooo. What- I just d- I just don’t think that we should be like, televising… kind of a modern day e-e- fuckin’ gladiator fight.

00:20:13 Sriracha: [interjecting] Why?

00:20:12 Asterios: It’s like, a gladiator fight was this: they took two prisoners, put ‘em in a thing, and some lions ate them apart.

00:20:18 Sriracha: And the 2018 version is: a pedophile coming to rape a child-

00:20:25 Asterios: Yes.

00:20:25 Sriracha: -gets arrested and thrown in jail. Yeah, you know what? I’m fine with that.

00:20:29 Asterios: You know what? Here’s what I think NBC should do: they should absolutely pay a bunch of money to help put pedophiles away. I think that would be great if they did that. I think the more people putting pedophiles away, the better. But I don’t know why like, grandma Moses… has to watch it on cable.

00:20:46 Sriracha: So your problem is-

00:20:46 Asterios: [interjecting] The last- the last part of it I think- I think like- I think it’s kind of disgusting that like… we’re putting the worst of humanity on display a la Smash TV.

00:20:57 Sriracha: Then buddy your problem is with late-stage capitalism-

00:21:00 Asterios: [interjecting] YEAH.

00:21:00 Sriracha: - not “To Catch a Predator”.

00:21:01 Asterios: Yes!

00:21:01 Sriracha: OKAY, we’ve- we’ve real- we’ve come to a fork in the road-

00:21:04 Asterios: [interjecting] I also don’t like “COPS” or that show “Jail”

00:21:07 Sriracha: “COPS” is messed up. [laughs]

00:21:09 Asterios: Yeah, I don’t like “COPS,” I don’t like that show “Jail,” uh- didn’t you sing the theme song to “Jail” once to me?

00:21:15 Sriracha: I have the theme song to “Jail” in my brain. [unintelligible as Asterios interjects]

00:21:17 Asterios: [interjecting] Why don’t you tell people the theme song to “Jail”

00:21:19 Sriracha: No, look it up. It’s [laughs] great and catchy.

00:21:21 Asterios: [interjecting] It’s really funny but can you ple- how much money can I Venmo you to sing the theme song to “Jail?”

00:21:26 Sriracha: But to me, somebody getting caught with meth in their car is not exactly the same thing as someone: going on the Internet-

00:21:34 Asterios: [interjecting] Yeah o-

00:21:34 Sriracha: [interjecting] Having the whole conversation and then not only- taking that to-

00:21:35 Asterios: [interjecting] Agreed, pedophiles are the worst of humanity.

00:21:38 Sriracha: Yes they are-

00:21:38 Asterios: [interjecting] Yes!

00:21:38 Sriracha: Yes they are the worst of humanity.

00:21:39 Asterios: Yes! I- then I don’t know but I- still, I think that like, televising it to fill in the block between “Seinfeld” and “ER” is gross. You know what I’m saying?

00:21:52 Sriracha: But that’s not a problem with the show. That’s every show on TV does that.

00:21:56 Asterios: No. That’s absolute-

00:21:58 Sriracha: [interjecting] Every show on TV sells ads Asterios.

00:22:00 Asterios: Yes, but “Caroline in the City” is a show about a nice cartoonist and her slutty roommate and their adventures in the city. “To Catch a Predator” is a show that like- that puts humanity’s worst on- worst on display.

00:22:14 Sriracha: Well what about the news? Do you have a problem with them running ads on the news?

00:22:18 Asterios: I have a lot of problems with the news, yes. I have a lot of problems with the local news specifically which is prurient as hell because people like my parents like, come to America and they watch the news, and it’s like, [gravelly voice] “At six o’ clock: sicko! Sicko perverts in our schools! There was a sicko there!” and now my parents think that like, outside every door and every window is some sicko pervert and it’s like: it’s not-

00:22:42 Sriracha: [interjecting] Asterios-

00:22:43 Asterios: -it’s just the news is trying to fuckin’ get you to watch the news-

00:22:45 Sriracha: [interjecting] Asterios. This is not even remotely close to what we’re talking about? But let me tell ya, I wholeheartedly agree with you. Uh, my mom calls me up the other d- [laughs]

00:22:51 Asterios: Uh huh? Uh huh?

00:22:52 Sriracha: -and says to me, “Sriracha, do you know anybody that’s doing ecstasy?” That- that was her opening thing. “Hi Srriacha-”

00:23:01 Asterios: [interjecting] Awesome.

00:23:01 Sriracha: “-how you doin’? Do you know anybody that kno- does ecstasy?”

00:23:04 Asterios: Awesome.

00:23:04 Sriracha: And I’m sitting there, and I say, “No mom, I don’t know anyone who “does ecstasy,” and she says, “Okay, well if you run into anybody, you gotta tell them that now they’re cutting uh, ecstasy with rat poison,” and I- I musta been havin’ and off day or something because I said, “You need to watch less television.”

00:23:21 Asterios: Yes!

00:23:21 Sriracha: That’s exactly what I told her. “You need to watch less tele-” no that’s how the conversation ended, was me telling her, “You need to watch less television,” because I tried to sit there and reason with her for a minute, I’m like, “Why- that doesn’t even make sense. As a drug dealer, why would you put something that can kill your customers into your drugs?” and now she- I’m sure she thinks I’m doing ecstasy, because I’m sitting there defending drug dealers. But the conversation ended with, “The only reason why they ran this story is because they know it would freak out boomers-”

00:23:49 Asterios: Yes!

00:23:49 Sriracha: “-like you.”

00:23:50 Asterios: Yes!

00:23:50 Sriracha: I agree with you on the local news. That’s not what we’re talkin’ about though.

00:23:54 Asterios: You know, something that we’ve never talked about is that we both have ethnic- terrified ethnic parents.

00:24:01 Sriracha: Yes we do.

00:24:02 Asterios: Like, my mom and dad would not let me go for walks around the neighborhood.

00:24:07 Sriracha: Mine wouldn’t let me watch uh- poop except “Veggie Tales” [laughs]

00:24:11 Asterios: Yeah.

00:24:10 Sriracha: We’ve talked about this before.

00:24:12 Asterios: Yeah! You weren’t allowed to watch “Harry Potter” ‘cause it would tur- would turn you into a satanist.

00:24:16 Sriracha: Correct.

00:24:16 Asterios: Yeah, exactly. You weren’t allowed to watch “Star Wars” ‘cause that’s witchcraft.

00:24:19 Sriracha: Correct.

00:24:19 Asterios: Yeah, exactly. Which, I mean it is. It’s like, they’re usin’-

00:24:23 Sriracha: They’re magic.

00:24:23 Asterios: I mean how does the force- how does the force work? Well you commune directly with Satan, Satan make your lightsaber go. Satan makes my lightsaber go. Alright PGAY, I hope we’ve helped you.

00:24:33 Sriracha: Yeah PGAY, I really hope we’ve solved your problem.

00:24:35 Asterios: Alright so I guess the solution to this is: get your friend to take a sexy sting operation but make sure she’s eighteen, unlike when Sriracha said she should be fifteen ‘cause Sriracha’s a pedo.

00:24:48 Sriracha: [interjecting] I said-

00:24:48 Asterios: [interjecting] Moving on! Number-

00:24:49 Sriracha: [talking over] -she should look like a fifteen year old there’s a whole category of porn-

00:24:50 Asterios: [talking over] -question TWO!

00:24:52 Sriracha: -Asterios is a pedo!

00:24:53 Asterios: Question twoooo. “Dear Mr. Kokkiknows-” Oh no I don’t like this. Uh oh. This is a- this is a real question. “Dear Mr. Kokkiknows, Everyone at school makes fun of me for being big, soft, and cushiony.”

00:25:09 Sriracha: This is a fake. I know. [laughs]

00:25:11 Asterios: Well, I assume that this guy is like, trying to write it in a funny way? Because he opened with “Dear Mr. KokkiKnows?” But I also assume that this is a kid who is like, “I’m overweight.”

00:25:20 Sriracha: Okay, yeah.

00:25:21 Asterios: You know.

00:25:22 Sriracha: Move on.

00:25:22 Asterios: “Everyone at school makes fun of me for being big, soft, and cushiony. My dad says my body type is genetic and I shouldn’t worry about it. I told the other kids that and now they just make fun of me more. What should I do?” Sofa Kid, age 12. Um… okay. So like clearly this is a kid who’s trying to be like, [cheery] “I’m a sofa kid, like I’m a big cushiony- this.” but like this is also like an overweight kid who’s getting teased by this… Sriracha’s looking at me a lot, as if to say, “Asterios, you go first, you probably dealt with this, I was a cheerleader.”

00:25:59 Sriracha: I’ve never- you know what you go ahead.

00:26:01 Asterios: Yeah see exactly! Thought you might say that. Um, well, all I can tell you is this: don’t- if you try and stop people from making fun of you, they will do it more. But also, if you try and like [cheery] join in the fun and be like, “Yeah I’m a big fat fatty. Bwa bwa bwa gimme candy,” it’s like… that’s also not great. Honestly the only way to handle teasing like this is… you laugh along with it, a little bit, because the thing is if you show that it doesn’t bother you- like what they’re looking is to bother you. Like, they are looking to- they are looking for a reaction. And so if you don’t give it to them- okay, for example: this is something I’ve told Sriracha a lot off-mic, because it’s really funny? But um- but it’s like, alright. So, there’s this guy, we’ve had some disagreements, his name is “Maddox,” and he doesn’t like being called a “cuck.”

00:27:03 Sriracha: I’m sorry, “Mad ducks?” Like mad, angry ducks?

00:27:07 Asterios: Like a flock of mad ducks, yes.

00:27:09 Sriracha: “Mad ducks”

00:27:10 Asterios: And uh- and so, he specifically said like, “I don’t like the word ‘cuck,’” and you know, it’s like, “I dunno, if you’d give away your weakness.”

00:27:18 Sriracha: I’m sorry, [enunciating] “Cuck?” C U C K?

00:27:22 Asterios: The word’s honestly not that- it- it means like, “jerk” or “fool,” you know, it’s like, “Well why can’t I call someone a fool?”

00:27:28 Sriracha: Right.

00:27:29 Asterios: So-

00:27:29 Sriracha: [interjecting] You see what they say about me on the Internet.

00:27:31 Asterios: Yeah, of course. You know they- you know what they- actually? You know what they say about you on the Internet? Someone said they called you “sexy rooster sauce.”

00:27:39 Sriracha: That’s bizarre. Thank you whoever said that.

00:27:41 Asterios: You know what that means right? You know what rooster sauce is?

00:27:45 Sriracha: Thank you Asterios, I’m not a-word-that-I-can’t-say-on-this-episode.

00:27:49 Asterios: What does that- look I just think you’re cute is what I’m tryin’ to say. I’m gonna push this forward though ‘cause look-

00:27:55 Sriracha: Finish your story!

00:27:57 Asterios: I just, I like you. That’s all I’m- okay movin’ on. I’m sorry, I got a little dist- you’re very cute there on the couch.

00:28:03 Sriracha: I layin’ on the couch, sippin’ on “Kinky… [hoo?*]” wearin’ my- I’m actually w- I’m wearing my elephant pants, swapped out for sweat pants. Look ‘em up, they’re these thai- I am so happy I invented these and colonised them. [laughs]

* Transcriber’s Note: I don’t know.

00:28:18 Asterios: What??

00:28:18 Sriracha: Thai pants, like T H A I, that they’re like harem pants except they don’t look absolutely terrible?

00:28:27 Asterios: They look cute.

00:28:28 Sriracha: Yeah they do, they look good on everybody, and I’m wearin’ my “Dick Show” Hoodie. Way more comfortable than it has any business bein’. I’ve washed this thing like forty times: still soft.

00:28:38 Asterios: That guy picks good- that guy’s got good clothes.

00:28:41 Sriracha: This is great I am so happy I have this sweatshirt. I honest to god wear this… all the time.

00:28:46 Asterios: Yeah, she does. Alright, well anyway, moving on, long story short: one times a guy gave- one time Kiam Magonier, the famed lawyer, gave me-

00:28:56 Sriracha: [interjecting] I’m sorry “Krav Mcgaht?”

00:28:58 Asterios: It’s-

00:28:58 Sriracha: “Krav Mugaaah?” [laughs]

00:28:59 Asterios: It’s not important. It’s not important. One time Kiam Magonier, the famous lawyer [Sriracha laughs], famous LA lawyer, gave me a birthday cake and I opened it and it literally said, “Happy Birthday Cuck,” on it. In frosting.

00:29:11 Sriracha: [interjecting] You know that not how you say his name?

00:29:13 Asterios: I don’t care what his- look, I’m tryin’ to tell a story here.

00:29:16 Sriracha: [interjecting] “Magonya”

00:29:17 Asterios: I don’t care what his fuckin’ na- I- look!

00:29:20 Sriracha: Hey you said a swear! [laughs] Oh yeah ac- [unintelligible]

00:29:22 Asterios: [interjecting] I’m allow- I don’t have some weird stick up my ass about swearing. I don’t think that not swearing- look, I’ll never be classy. I could speak the King’s English and I’ll never be classy.

00:29:34 Sriracha: I got high in a bathroom is Morristown so I’ll probably never be classy either.

00:29:37 Asterios: Yeah! But you got high in the bathroom in Morristown with another ten, so like if anyone walked in there it’d be like, “Oh, check out these two hot chicks gettin’ high in the bathroom.

00:29:45 Sriracha: She was real good lookin’.

00:29:46 Asterios: You’re both real good lookin’.

00:29:47 Sriracha: Neh.

00:29:48 Asterios: They wanna hang out with us next week. We’re doin’ it.

00:29:50 Sriracha: Mkay.

00:29:51 Asterios: Alright movin’ on. [claps once] If I told the guy, “This cake really upsets me,” that woulda been wor- then, for the rest of my life, I’m just gettin’ cuc- I’m just gettin’ cuck cakes. Or, if I was just like, [over-the-top] “Ha ha ha cuck! Cuck on the cake! AHAHAHAH this is so great! I’m the cuck! I’m the cake cuck! I’m the cuck from the cake cake cuck cuck cake [singing] call me Asterios, I got a cuck cake!” [serious] that’s also weird. Too hard.You know what I did? I laughed at it ‘cause it’s actually funny, and then we all moved on.

00:30:23 Sriracha: Can we uh-

00:30:23 Asterios: [interjecting] And that’s kinda the only way you can deal with teasing, is like: laugh at it, and if they see it doesn’t bother you, they will find another tease target.

00:30:33 Sriracha: We uh, hombre el homre for a second?

00:30:36 Asterios: I don’t know what that means.

00:30:37 Sriracha: Were you actually upset by this?

00:30:39 Asterios: What? Wait by what?

00:30:40 Sriracha: The cuck cake. Because this is now the third time in the last week that you’ve told me that story.

00:30:46 Asterios: It’s…

00:30:47 Sriracha: You can be honest with these people I told them what porn I’m into.

00:30:48 Asterios: [interjecting] I would lo- I would- I would absolutely love to be honest with these people. It’s like a- in roleplaying games- in like a roleplaying game, it’s check. It’s a check. It’s like you open the trap- you open the chest but the chest has a trap. You gotta roll higher than a 10 to beat the trap. So when someone presents you with a cake, from Sweet Lady Jane’s Bakery, one of the nicest bakeries in Los Angeles, and it’s your birthday! So they lit- so they spent like forty dollars on a cake for you. So that’s really nice. And it’s a delicious chocolate cake which you love. But it says, “Happy Birthday Cuck” on it. You gotta say to yourself, “What do I do here?” And what I’m trying to tell Sofa Kid, is like: you just gotta roll with it, and if you make too big a deal about it, or too small a deal out of it, you’re gettin’ cuck cakes for the rest of your life buddy.

00:31:44 Sriracha: I dunno, I think good-natured- I’m- I dunno, I can very easily tell the difference between what is good natured teasing, and what is not?

00:31:53 Asterios: Well yeah but the- but obviously this kid’s not getting good-natured teasing-

00:31:57 Sriracha: [interjecting] Oh no absolutely not that’s total- I’m talkin’ about the cuck cake.

00:32:01 Asterios: We- yeah look yeah it’s- it’s what- whatever, I got a cuck cake. Like, but the thing is what I’m sayin’ is like the way I handled it is how this kid should handle being teased in school. Where it’s just like: you gotta find the right frequency. It’s tough. It’s tough!

00:32:16 Sriracha: Yeah.

00:32:18 Asterios: And then the other thing is like, you gotta find a way to get on offense. You gotta find a way to tease other people, because teasing is contagious, and it doesn’t even have to be funny, and it doesn’t have to be good. If you can tease somebody fast enough other people will join in.

00:32:37 Sriracha: It’s just gotta rhyyyme.

00:32:39 Asterios: What?

00:32:39 Sriracha: Make up a mean nickname for someone that rhymes and they will never get that monkey off their back until they graduate high school.

00:32:48 Asterios: You mean like “Sweaty Betty?”

00:32:49 Sriracha: Yeah.

00:32:49 Asterios: Or “Smelly Telly?”

00:32:51 Sriracha: I’m tryin’ to think of- man, I’m tryin’ to not dox the people I went to high school with but yeah you’re- you all are just gonna have to take my word for-

00:32:59 Asterios: [interjecting] Skinny Jimmy?

00:33:01 Sriracha: Lose weight, Sofa Kid. You can do it.

00:33:03 Asterios: Look you could also do that- wait a minute, you could also do that.

00:33:07 Sriracha: Let me shift it over. Normally, I would be mean and I would say something like, “You’re definitely not genetically predisposed to being overweight.”

00:33:17 Asterios: Well you definitely did just tell the kid who wrote us about being teased to lose weight so… you’re already in for a penny here, why not go in for a pound.

00:33:25 Sriracha: No let’s- how about we instead of going in for a pound, slowly start to cut that pound into more digestible chunks. Sofa Kid, you can do it. You can lose weight. It is possible. You are not a slave to your genetics. You need to join a sport, start exercising, just do a little bit of cardio every day. You can lose weight, you’ll feel better, and you’ll get all the Sofa Women.

00:33:55 Asterios: Yeah, but the- this isn’t like the obvious advice show, “Asterios Helps a Kid”. It’s- okay, “Everybody should wake up early. Everybody should wake up a half-hour early and go for a quick little jog and then come home and eat exactly one egg, and then everybody should get an early start to school!” It’s like well yeah- yes- yes obviously everybody should do more car-

00:34:13 Sriracha: [interjecting] Your arms hurt from stretching that far?

00:34:16 Asterios: I’m sorry, was the- was the advice that you gave just uh, to do a little bit of cardio every day?

00:34:21 Sriracha: Yes.

00:34:22 Asterios: Yeah, no shit everyone should do a little bit of cardio every day. It’s hard.

00:34:26 Sriracha: What I’m referencing here is the fact that he went to his father and said, “Sofa Father, I’m getting teased because I’m obviously overweight.” and Sofa Father didn’t say, “Well, screw those kids but why don’t we start going for jogs together?” Sofa Father says nah, forget about it, it’s your genetics. It’s not your genetics. It’s not.

00:34:53 Asterios: It could be both.

00:34:54 Sriracha: It’s not. That’s impossible-

00:34:55 Asterios: [interjecting] Wait what are you talkin’ abou- there are endomorphs and ectomorphs. True or false?

00:35:00 Sriracha: [incredulous] What?

00:35:01 Asterios: The- there are multiple body types. Uh- there’s a type- uh, there’s a body type called a- an- an endomorph, which hangs on to fat easily. Ectomorphs shed it very easily, and then obviously there are people in the middle: normies. Like, it is entirely possible that he has a genetic structure that does hang on to calories because perhaps he had an ancestor who was starving and so they had to store a lot of fat.

00:35:28 Sriracha: If you eat fewer calories than you burn, you will lose weight.

00:35:34 Asterios: Yes. That’s true, but it’s also obvious. It’s like-

00:35:38 Sriracha: I don’t know what in the fizzity yuck you’re talkin’ about, but I have a feeling it’s not scientifically based.

00:35:46 Asterios: Okay, great. Hey Sofa Kid, eat less- eat less bad th-

00:35:52 Sriracha: [interjecting] Stop eating.

00:35:52 Asterios: Eat less bad food and exercise more! Yeah and everybody says that all the time. You gotta find a way to like emotionally connect with this kid if you want him to lose weight. You can’t be like, “Hey, get a scale and grab a pail! Fill it with sand and put it in your hand! Do some curls and then try not to hurl!” Like- like I don’t- your weird-rhyme-obvious-diet is not gonna help a poor f- overweight kid.

00:36:18 Sriracha: My weird rhyme obvious diet? My?

00:36:21 Asterios: Yes! Yeah, the Sriracha weird-rhyme-obvious-diet is not gonna help poor Sofa Kid become a well-adjusted Sofadult.

00:36:28 Sriracha: Oh okay. You wanna talk “well-adjusted,” here let’s take a- welcome the “Sriracha’s” uh, “Psychological Torture Corner”

00:36:34 Asterios: Okay.

00:36:35 Sriracha: [laughing] What you need to do is you need to find another kid whose problem is much more obvious and much more easy to pick on than you, and why th- where I recommend starting is the special needs [laughs] classroom.

00:36:48 Asterios: This I agree with. You gotta get a shield. You gotta get a plus one: a body guard. You gotta get somebody who can be teased way more than you. And then, when people start teasing them, you start teasing them too, and then when everybody goes away you go, “Hey, I was just kiddin’ there I’m still your friend.” And just psychologically torture this kind of- essent- again: a human shield.

00:37:15 Sriracha: [interjecting] Correct. Don’t lose-

00:37:15 Asterios: [interjecting] Until you’re outta high school.

00:37:16 Sriracha: Don’t lose weight, just create a school shooter.

00:37:20 Asterios: I think we’ve really helped this kid.

00:37:22 Sriracha: I think we’ve really really helped Sofa Kid.

00:37:25 Asterios: Alright, let’s get to the last question. Final question, this comes from Jack, age 14. Jack writes, “I just found my Spanish teacher’s Twitter account. Her banner is a photo of her poorly photoshopped on to a bad meme. What do I do?” That’s Jack age 14.

00:37:47 Sriracha: Wow, this story went- it took a hard right, and then it took a hard left. [laughs]

00:37:51 Asterios: Yeah. I know. The first question is: what meme?

00:37:56 Sriracha: That’s- whuahh- I don’t know how to proceed without knowing what meme.

00:38:01 Asterios: I- I know. Kinda what I’m thinking is, the obvious one is: you ever see the meme of like, “Bad Teacher?” Like it’s a- it’s like a stock photo of an Asian woman being like, “Did you do your homework?”

00:38:14 Sriracha: Yes. Oh, when I was in college the book store had that stock photo printed on some kind of lab manual or something? And I was losing my goshdarned- [sounds of streetcleaner get louder] It’s street cleaner time everybody!

00:38:28 Asterios: I don’t know why there’s street cl- it’s one-sixteen in the morning and it’s time to clean the streets!

00:38:33 Sriracha: It’s time to clean the road! Anyways. [clears throat] Yeah that stock photo when I was in college, there was a- some kind of lab manual or some- something printed by the school, we needed to buy? And it had that stock photo on it? And I- everytime I would pull it out, I would lose my gosh-darned mind laughing, and everyone around me who was a normal friend… had no idea why- what was so funny. They just said, “Uh, that’s a picture of a teacher. What’s wrong Sriracha?” Meanwhile I’m over here like a dummy, makin’ myself look like even bigger of a dummy.

00:39:07 Asterios: How could they not know that meme? It’s such a famous meme!

00:39:09 Sriracha: Very old too.

00:39:10 Asterios: Yeah that’s the thing! It’s like- by the time you’re in college that thing’s done!

00:39:15 Sriracha: I dunno.

00:39:15 Asterios: Weird. Okay. So my guess is, it could be the Spanish teacher photoshopped onto that, being like, “Oh, did you forget your homework? Kay los vima!” You know like [Sriracha laughs], “Kay lastma, see you in- see you in detencióne!” [proud] Mmm? Now ask the question that’s on your mind which is, “Is detencióne a real Spanish word?”

Transcriber’s Note: I’m going to do my very best here, but as a Canadian I have never learned Spanish so adjust your expectations.

00:39:36 Sriracha: Is it?

00:39:37 Asterios: Let’s find out.

00:39:38 Sriracha: [quietly] Let’s find out.

00:39:39 Asterios: Hold on. Let’s Google-

00:39:40 Sriracha: [interjecting] Asterios today-

00:39:42 Asterios: Uh huh?

00:39:42 Sriracha: -very enthusiastically told me that he was ready to watch
“La Cappa da Globos” [laughs] which-

00:39:49 Asterios: “Copa” de glo-

00:39:50 Sriracha: [interjecting] La Cop- La Copa de-

00:39:50 Asterios: [talking over] -de grrroobo- de globos.

00:39:52 Sriracha: “La Copa de Globos” which-

00:39:54 Asterios: It’s the world cup. The globe’s cup.

00:39:57 Sriracha: The balloon cup. “Los Globos.”

00:39:59 Asterios: But you do celebrate the World Cup with balloons. I was absolutely right. I’m not kidding.

00:40:05 Sriracha: Is it detencióne?

00:40:06 Asterios: It’s detención. Here, ho-

00:40:08 Sriracha: I don’t know that word.

00:40:09 Asterios: Okay. Hold on.

00:40:10 Sriracha: I do know a um, girl that I went to college with studied abroad in Spain. And at one point she fell- this is very funny: she fell down a flight of stairs or something in her apartment?

00:40:22 Asterios: Okay, so far hilarious.

00:40:24 Sriracha: And she was- [laughs] and there was a group of Spaniards there and they ran under [unintelligible] and they’re like, “Are you okay? Oh my god, are you alright?” and she was trying to say, “I’m okay, I’m just embarrassed.” and she said something like, “Soy embarazada?” which does not mean embarrassed, it means, “I’m pregnant?”

00:40:39 Asterios: [shocked] Sí.

00:40:40 Sriracha: [laughs] And they ended up calling the police or something?

00:40:43 Asterios: Ay yai yai! Madre de mios!

00:40:50 Sriracha: Nachos gra-

00:40:50 Asterios: Tu amigas es- [laughs] tu amiga es empedigroso grande! [both laugh] You know what that means?

00:41:01 Sriracha: Tell me.

00:41:01 Asterios: Nah I- I’m not gonna tell ya. But look-

00:41:04 Sriracha: She’s a fat idiot?

00:41:04 Asterios: No! That would be like, “Es tu gordita idiota.”

00:41:12 Sriracha: Bienvenido a Asterios ma- mata- mata un chiko. [laughs]

00:41:18 Asterios: What does that mean?

00:41:19 Sriracha: Soy Sriracho.

00:41:21 Asterios: What does that mean?!

00:41:22 Sriracha: Bienvenido al sodemente por casta ke los. I wanna know the word for “hosts.”

00:41:29 Asterios: Okay look-

00:41:29 Sriracha: [interjecting] Los hos?

00:41:30 Asterios: Bottom line, I think we both know what you have to do: find a really hot hispanic guy’s picture-

00:41:36 Sriracha: [in the background] Los…

00:41:36 Asterios: -find a bunch of them. Create a twitter account, make a bunch of tweets for a couple of weeks so it looks like there’s a history there, then try to get your Spanish teacher’s nudes, true or false?

00:41:45 Sriracha: Mucho spurice spera matanomos. Los chicos. Y los chicas. No discriminación.

00:41:52 Asterios: Sí oh no.

00:41:54 Sriracha: [laughs] Sí!

00:41:54 Asterios: Yes exactly! That’s what you gotta do! And you know what? Create an- create an identity for this hot Spanish guy, where he’s got a meme. All of a sudden, put his head on top- what’s the like the sexiest meme that you could put yourself into?

00:42:10 Sriracha: Um…

00:42:11 Asterios: It’s not the penguin, it’s not the baby.

00:42:14 Sriracha: You have a very outdated concept of memes.

00:42:16 Asterios: But this Spanish teacher clearly does too. Wait- what do you think the Spanish teacher’s using deep fried memes?

00:42:22 Sriracha: [laughs] She might we didn’t get any clarification on that!

00:42:25 Asterios: [interjecting] Yeah! Okay, yeah you’re right. I’m sure this Spanish teacher’s got pepes all over the place. I’m sure the Spanish teacher’s got that frog goin’, “That’s where you’re wrong kiddo.”

00:42:36 Sriracha: [laughs] I was gonna say the first thing I thought when he said “my Spanish teacher’s on a meme” was, “Okay, so you’re wondering whether or not you should bring the horrifyingly racist thing your Spanish teacher put on her twitter to the uh- atención de la- la facultia?

00:42:51 Asterios: Sí. [Sriracha laughs] De la principal? Sí. Naw, it’s- wow, really- this is- this is very interesting to me. ‘Cause to me meme just means dumb thing where like… maybe there was a penguin where the head was going one way and the body was going the other way. But for your generation meme just straight up means- means like, this is Trump pushing the minority out of a helicopter.

00:43:19 Sriracha: No it’s just, yeah it’s anything people share and put text on. My definition of a meme is: it has to be- it has to be either clearly a meme trying to be a meme, or it has to be a picture with words on it.

00:43:32 Asterios: Okay.

00:43:32 Sriracha: I don’t consider reaction images memes.

00:43:35 Asterios: I don’t- that’s not a meme. That’s a reaction image.

00:43:37 Sriracha: Yeah.

00:43:38 Asterios: Like every single image on the internet can’t be a meme.

00:43:41 Sriracha: Correct.

00:43:42 Asterios: Every gif can’t be a meme, but [Sriracha interjects unintelligibly] someone doing the Carlton… that’s a meme.

00:43:47 Sriracha: Is that a meme?

00:43:48 Asterios: Yeah.

00:43:49 Sriracha: Does it have words on it?

00:43:50 Asterios: No?

00:43:50 Sriracha: I just consider that a funny gif then.

00:43:53 Asterios: Mkay. But it’s the Carlton though, it’s- it’s not just anybody doing the dance-

00:43:56 Sriracha: I know what you’re talking about.

00:43:57 Asterios: Oh really?

00:43:58 Sriracha: Yes.

00:43:58 Asterios: What’s Carlton’s last name?

00:44:00 Sriracha: Uh I don’t know but I can see it in my head.

00:44:02 Asterios: Uh huh, what does it look like?

00:44:03 Sriracha: [interjecting] I don’t know, just ‘cause I- it’s like [mimics music]

00:44:06 Asterios: Oh! I’m sorry-

00:44:06 Sriracha: [interjecting] And he’s dressed like an idiot.

00:44:08 Asterios: -I’m sorry, what’s the song behind the Carlton? Can I hear it?

00:44:12 Sriracha: I don’t know it.

00:44:13 Asterios: Because the song is supposed to be, [singing] “It’s not unusual to have fun, with anyone.”

00:44:17 Sriracha: [interjecting] It’s the- I get it jackass.

00:44:18 Asterios: -when Carlton does it- Carlton he-

00:44:19 Sriracha: -it doesn’t have music.

00:44:21 Asterios: Yes it does. Because the episode of the French Prince that the Carlton is from has Carlton Banks dancing to Tom Jones’ “It’s Not Unusual!”

00:44:33 Sriracha: I think it’s pretty obvious that I don’t know where it’s from, I’ve just seen it as a [soft g] gif.

00:44:38 Asterios: It’s a [hard g] gif.

00:44:39 Sriracha: Whatever.

00:44:41 Asterios: [angrilly] That’s it for Asterios Kills a Kid.

00:44:43 Sriracha: [laughs] We didn’t answer the quest-

00:44:44 Asterios: [interjecting] Thank you- look, yes we did! I said- you were busy fuckin’ tryin’ to speak Spanish, and I told you what the solution was!

00:44:51 Sriracha: As I was racking my brain? For the word for “podcast host?” Didn’t find it.

00:44:56 Asterios: It’s “podito.”

00:44:57 Sriracha: [laughing] No it is not.

00:44:58 Asterios: [loudly] Yes it is!!

00:44:59 Sriracha: No it is not.

00:44:59 Asterios: Anyway, look, thank you so much for listening to Asterios Kills a kid. I’m your host Asterios Kokkinos. We got Sriracha over here, she’s the goddamn best. Thank you guys so much for hanging out with us tonight. Uh, if you wanna hear early episodes, you go to patreon.com/asterios. Sriracha’s got an amazing podcast of her own called “Porg Chatter.”

00:45:22 Sriracha: We have an email now.

00:45:23 Asterios: What is it?

00:45:24 Sriracha: It is porgchatter@protonmail.com. So make sure you triple encrypt.

00:45:30 Asterios: So the same-

00:45:32 Sriracha: [interjecting] Before you hit that send button.

00:45:33 Asterios: We got the- the- if you’re lookin’ to communicate with ISIS or with Sriracha, go to protonmail.com.

00:45:40 Sriracha: Well you don’t gotta go to Proton Mail.

00:45:42 Asterios: I guess you’re right! I guess you’re right, you could go to your email client and type in protonmail.com into the “To:” field. Anyway…

00:45:51 Sriracha: [interjecting] Yes, that’s how email works Asteri- [laughs]

00:45:53 Asterios: Yeah! Okay I don’t know- you’re a- you’re a spicy little meme tonight.

00:45:57 Sriracha: And if you have episode requests we’re doing that too. You can send those to asteriosisapedophile@protonmail.com.

00:46:03 Asterios: That is not- [sighs] goddamnit, that’s gonna get re- you better register that before someone else does! [laughs] Um, look, if you wanna send us a question? You go to asterioskillsakid.com, we got Producer Jesse. He is amazing, and uh he will take your questions and send them to me. Producer Zwick edits this episode and makes us sound amazing? Thank you both. And uh, yeah! You go to asterioskillsakid.com if you wanna get episodes four days early, you go to patreon.com/asterios, you get- you get ‘em early for just a buck. And other than that… thank you for hanging out with us!

00:46:38 Sriracha: Plug the voicemail line.

00:46:40 Asterios: Oh! That’s a great idea. And we actually have a voicemail line now, and the phone number is: 347-705-7616. That’s 347-705-7616. Thank you for-

00:46:59 Sriracha: [interjecting] Leave us a voicemail. I love getting voicemail.

00:47:01 Asterios: I wanna voicemail.

00:47:01 Sriracha: We’ve only gotten one and it was great.

00:47:04 Asterios: It was awesome. The voicemails go right to my phone? So I might actually pick up if you leave a voicemail I mean- it might just be me.

00:47:12 Sriracha: That’s not your phone number is it?

00:47:14 Asterios: No but it’s like linked to it? In a way? I’m saying too much.

00:47:19 Sriracha: One time a soccer coach accidentally put my phone number down as- I guess the team phone number? And there was about a forty eight hour period in which I was getting a non-stop stream of texts about what snack to bring for practice? And I told them all something different.

00:47:36 Asterios: So you had like a fa-

00:47:38 Sriracha: [interjecting] Those kid’s had a feast.

00:47:39 Asterios: That’s awesome!

00:47:40 Sriracha: Yeah.

00:47:41 Asterios: Good job!

00:47:42 Sriracha: I managed a soccer team for forty eight hours.

00:47:46 Asterios: Sriracha…

00:47:46 Sriracha: Yes.

00:47:48 Asterios: I’ve never said this on a podcast before, but, I love you very much.

00:47:52 Sriracha: Yes you’ve definitely said that on a podcast.

00:47:53 Asterios: No I haven’t! When?

00:47:56 Sriracha: I could imagine I could find an example.

00:47:58 Asterios: Yeah. Okay. Genuinely?

00:48:00 Sriracha: Off the top of my head? Yeah. Uh huh.

00:48:02 Asterios: Good luck. Find it. [burps] And bring it to episode six.

00:48:09 Sriracha: Gracias.

00:48:10 Asterios: I’m tryin’ to have a heartfelt ending here with you, ‘cause I’m lookin’ at you and I think you’re cool.

00:48:14 Sriracha: Copitan [?].

00:48:15 Asterios: [sighs] Kay lostima pogracita Asteriosa. [??]

00:48:21 Sriracha: Cadoke nooo. [???]

00:48:22 Asterios: GOODBYE.

[Bye Bye Birdie’s “Kids” plays again, fading out as the podcast ends.]