Asterios Kills a Kid | Episode 5: Big. Soft. Cushiony.

Episode 5: Big. Soft. Cushiony.

July 18, 2018

Direct Download| Transcript

Thumbnail: Cartoon of Little Sriracha and Asterios dressed in Pokémon onesies. "The Parent Trap" is playing on the TV instead of Pokémon. Sriracha rips a VHS tape apart angrily while Asterios cries.

Featuring: Asterios Kokkinos, Sriracha

To Catch a Thrift-Shop-Owner, getting mean taunts out of your orbit, and what to do when you discover your teacher’s twitter account.

Producer Jesse here! Why don’t you take a seat right over there? It’s time we had a talk about who’s a bigger pedo: Asterios or Sriracha. Debate it in the comments or leave a message on our voicemail line*… just remember to stay classy.

How did we get on this topic? Well it all started with a question from listener PGAYSSS555.

“Me and my Dad were Gonna watch GoodFellas but he had bought the DVD about 10 years earlier from a Thrift Store and it contained only half the Movie. How do I track down the People who sold my Dad this Shity Disc. Advice much Appreciated 🔪”

— PGAYSSS555, 15

If you’re trying to understand what this has to do with paedophilia I can’t help you. You’re really gonna have to just listen to the episode. Next question!

“Dear Mr. Kokkiknows, Everybody at school makes fun of me for being big, soft, and cushiony. My dad says my body type is genetic and that I shouldn’t worry about it. I told the other kids that and now they just make fun of me more. What do I do?”

— Sofa Kid, 12

Being the fat kid is like being the bicycle shed of middle school: an easy target that everyone can (and will) weigh in on. Asterios has some tips on how to stay a boring target, while Sriracha suggests finding another better target.

Speaking of targets, this next kid seems to have found the perfect one… but what should he do?

“I just found my Spanish teacher’s Twitter account. Her banner is her poorly photoshopped on to a bad meme. What do I do?”

— Jack, 14

This is usually the part where I summarize our hosts’ advice, but they mostly just talked memes (and Spanish). Good luck Jack!

Do you have a question for Asterios and Sriracha? Drop it on our Submit Question page.

And if you have any advice for these kids let us know in the comments!

* You can leave a voicemail at (347) 705-7617

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