Asterios Kills a Kid | Episode 5: Big. Soft. Cushiony.

Episode 5: Big. Soft. Cushiony.

July 18, 2018

Direct Download| Transcript

Thumbnail: Cartoon of Little Sriracha and Asterios dressed in Pokémon onesies. "The Parent Trap" is playing on the TV instead of Pokémon. Sriracha rips a VHS tape apart angrily while Asterios cries.

Featuring: Asterios Kokkinos, Sriracha


To Catch a Thrift-Shop-Owner, getting mean taunts out of your orbit, and what to do when you discover your teacher’s twitter account.


Producer Jesse here! Why don’t you take a seat right over there? It’s time we had a talk about who’s a bigger pedo: Asterios or Sriracha. Debate it in the comments or leave a message on our voicemail line*… just remember to stay classy.

How did we get on this topic? Well it all started with a question from listener PGAYSSS555.

00:07:09
“Me and my Dad were Gonna watch GoodFellas but he had bought the DVD about 10 years earlier from a Thrift Store and it contained only half the Movie. How do I track down the People who sold my Dad this Shity Disc. Advice much Appreciated 🔪”

— PGAYSSS555, 15

If you’re trying to understand what this has to do with paedophilia I can’t help you. You’re really gonna have to just listen to the episode. Next question!

00:24:55
“Dear Mr. Kokkiknows, Everybody at school makes fun of me for being big, soft, and cushiony. My dad says my body type is genetic and that I shouldn’t worry about it. I told the other kids that and now they just make fun of me more. What do I do?”

— Sofa Kid, 12

Being the fat kid is like being the bicycle shed of middle school: an easy target that everyone can (and will) weigh in on. Asterios has some tips on how to stay a boring target, while Sriracha suggests finding another better target.

Speaking of targets, this next kid seems to have found the perfect one… but what should he do?

00:37:31
“I just found my Spanish teacher’s Twitter account. Her banner is her poorly photoshopped on to a bad meme. What do I do?”

— Jack, 14

This is usually the part where I summarize our hosts’ advice, but they mostly just talked memes (and Spanish). Good luck Jack!


Do you have a question for Asterios and Sriracha? Drop it on our Submit Question page.

And if you have any advice for these kids let us know in the comments!

* You can leave a voicemail at (347) 705-7617


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