Asterios Kills a Kid | Episode 3: Cuss Control

Episode 3: Cuss Control

March 26, 2018

Direct Download| Transcript

Thumbnail: Cartoon of Asterios and Sriracha running from a horde of girls.

Featuring: Asterios Kokkinos, Sriracha

A kid calls the teacher “Dad”, a teen’s edgelord friends are growing up, and a boy is literally fighting off girl’s advances.

This is Producer Jesse, apologizing in advance for the language you will hear on this episode of Asterios Kills a Kid. It is so obscene that I had to use an experimental censorship algorithm to make just this description palatable. Listen at your own risk.

If you’re a kid and want Asterios to ██████ your ████████, you can initiate that here.

Our first writer is a kid with some serious daddy issues:

“Hi, i had this uncomfortable experience last week. During math class last week I accidentally called the teacher “dad”, even though he’s not my dad, and I like my real dad very much. My friends made fun of me for that all the time for the rest of the week. I am afraid this was not the last time this will happen, because I sometimes mix up people like that. How do I properly save face the next time it happens?”

— Mendez, 11

You can’t change what you said in the past, but you can uproot the lives of everyone around you to save face, and that’s exactly what Asterios and Sriracha recommend. They also swap public ███████ stories if you’re into that kind of thing.

Next up is a question from the aptly named CRINGE.

“My trio of friends used to make nothing but gay Jokes and edgy suicide jokes. However I recently found out that one of my friends is clinically depressed and the other is actually gay. Now our friend dynamic is really awkward because we don’t wanna say the wrong things anymore. Any advice?”

— CRINGE, 16

The court of this young edgelord grows ever bare, and he finds himself at a crossroads. Should he continue making fun of people using gay slurs, or grow up and make fun of them in other more creative ways? Like a fucking spaghetti brained cuck bitch, Asterios says to “█████ ██ ███ ████”

Finally, all the way from Finland a young boy writes:

“Girl told me she liked me. I panicked and ran away from her. Older kid came to find me and lead me back to her, but I kinda beat him up. I dont want to go back to school anymore, what should I do?”

— Jyri from Finland, 10

████████ and Sriracha applaud Jyri’s game with the ladies and send him on his way, ignoring his genuine ████ and underlying ████████.

Do you have any advice for these kids? Let us know in the comments!

And if you have a question for ████████ and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page.

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