Asterios Kills a Kid | Episode 1: Never Want to Grow Up!

Episode 1: Never Want to Grow Up!

January 30, 2018

Direct Download| Transcript

Thumbnail: Cartoon of an embarrassed boy scout standing in the center of a laughing crowd hiding his crotch with his hands.

Featuring: Asterios Kokkinos, Sriracha

A girl is scared to grow up, a teen wants space from her needy boyfriend, and Penis Boy wants us to stop calling him that.

Welcome to the very first episode of Asterios Kills a Kid! We’ve got a site, the sound bits, a sexy thumbnail* - no workflow though! Who’s supposed to write these descriptions? I don’t know, I’m just the web designer. Ah well, fuck it here I go.

In this very first episode of AKAK, Sriracha looks back on her time in girl scouts: particularly on a struggle she had with a girl named Kylie Eickelberg over their troupe crest. I won’t tell you how the story ends, but I will say to check back soon for Kylie’s phone number and home address.

Asterios and Sriracha’s first question was from a 13 year old girl. She writes:

“Hi, I am 13 and now suddenly growing up is a big deal. It has just happened, if you know what I mean. I cry now in my closet hugging my favorite stuffed animals because I just don’t want to grow up. The only person I’ve “talked” to about it is my favorite stuffed animal. I’ve been playing with ALL my old toys lately, wearing butterfly shirts and watching cartoons. I’d do ANYTHING to be 8 again. Please help me!”

— Growing Up, 13

If you don’t know what DDLG* is, get prepared to immediately repress it. Also, Asterios delivers some good news to everyone out there worrying about growing up: in America, you can stay a child forever.

Moving on, Carrie writes:

“My boyfriend and I have been going for ten llloooooooooonnng months. Recently I’ve found myself getting irritated with him all the time. He’s very clingy, and even though I’ve talked to him about it, he won’t give me space. He liked me for a lot longer than I have liked him and every time he thinks I’m even slightly annoyed with him he feels the need to call me and talk about our feelings. I have been considering breaking up with him for awhile now because I’m just not happy with him any more, but I don’t want to regret it later or hurt him because he is very sensitive.”

— Carrie, 16

Our hosts both agree: get him a super-hobby. And taking on the role of internet historian, Sriracha recounts the sad saga of Chris Chan.

Speaking of sad stories, this last boy writes:

“I have been trying to make friends, but today at lunch I had a hole in the front of my track pants and “it” flopped out. I was sitting on the floor and the whole class saw. I did not notice until a girl told me. I don’t know what to do. I will never make friends now. I tried to convince my mom to home school me and she said no. Help!”

— Embarrassed, 7

Asterios and Sriracha are divided on how to handle Penis Boy’s problem. Asterios shares some elaborate techniques for damage control, while Sriracha’s advice is just wait it out and enjoy your smart-kid muffins.

Do you have any advice for these kids? Let us know in the comments!

And if you have a question for Asterios and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page.

* Absolutely NOT pedophilia.

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