Asterios Kills a Kid | Episode 1: Never Want to Grow Up!
Episode 1: Never Want to Grow Up!
January 30, 2018
A girl is scared to grow up, a teen wants space from her needy boyfriend, and Penis Boy wants us to stop calling him that.
Welcome to the very first episode of Asterios Kills a Kid! We’ve got a site, the sound bits, a sexy thumbnail* - no workflow though! Who’s supposed to write these descriptions? I don’t know, I’m just the web designer. Ah well, fuck it here I go.
In this very first episode of AKAK, Sriracha looks back on her time in girl scouts: particularly on a struggle she had with a girl named Kylie Eickelberg over their troupe crest. I won’t tell you how the story ends, but I will say to check back soon for Kylie’s phone number and home address.
Asterios and Sriracha’s first question was from a 13 year old girl. She writes:
— Growing Up, 13
If you don’t know what DDLG* is, get prepared to immediately repress it. Also, Asterios delivers some good news to everyone out there worrying about growing up: in America, you can stay a child forever.
Moving on, Carrie writes:
— Carrie, 16
Our hosts both agree: get him a super-hobby. And taking on the role of internet historian, Sriracha recounts the sad saga of Chris Chan.
Speaking of sad stories, this last boy writes:
— Embarrassed, 7
Asterios and Sriracha are divided on how to handle Penis Boy’s problem. Asterios shares some elaborate techniques for damage control, while Sriracha’s advice is just wait it out and enjoy your smart-kid muffins.
Do you have any advice for these kids? Let us know in the comments!
And if you have a question for Asterios and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page.
* Absolutely NOT pedophilia.